Over the last year or so, I've had several op-ed pieces published in the Albany Times Union. They are posted below:
The Anarchist in the Tri-Corner Hat
From dictionary.com: Anarchism: a doctrine urging the abolition of government or governmental restraint as the indispensable condition for full social and political liberty.
The radicals who won’t raise the debt ceiling may fancy themselves as the reincarnation of our founders, but their real kin are the European kooks we’ve seen running amok during G-20 summits. They’re anarchists who want to explode government at its economic foundations. But they are all upheaval and no endgame. You don’t shed debt by raising the cost of borrowing.
And borrowing costs will skyrocket if the U.S. defaults. The world’s financiers expect more from America than they do of struggling countries like Greece and Ireland. The downside of high expectations is that failing them attracts Anarchy’s fellow traveler, Chaos. Sure, there are some geniuses who can ride Chaos by selling short, but raise your hand if your 401k went up in 2007.
So it defies logic to insist that fiscal sanity necessitates raising Treasury bill yields, unless one wants rich relatives. In China.
The New Anarchists insist that shredding the national credit card will make us face the “hard choices”. But what they really want is no choice. They want to pave over the Social Security Administration and put up a parking lot. That would restrain government, but would it steer us toward full social and political liberty? Probably not, unless one is liberated by eating dog food as the Early Bird Special.
Being grown a up, our parents ruefully reminded us, comes with obligations. Well, the U.S. has accrued $14 trillion in obligations, and shredding the credit card will not evaporate them. Not paying interest on T-Bills or stiffing Medicare providers will only transform our obligations into rancor, and while rancor makes for good sound bites, it’s also highly volatile, a first cousin to Chaos. Rancor cannot sustain a stable economy or government.
We may have been spendthrifts, but most Americans still get the concept of balancing a budget. Our politicians must prove that they get it too. They should all take to T.V. and face two detailed columns: EXPENSES and REVENUES. In this Major Television Event, our leaders would be asked only, “What would you cut?” and “How will you pay for it?” If we don’t get a straight answer after 10 seconds? The buzzer sounds! Next contestant!
Now, if this T.V. show actually airs, the unhappy anarchists in the studio audience might storm the set and trash the cameras, because the last thing they want is an orderly process. The next to last thing they want is a democratic process. It’s highly ironic that we need a game show format to kickstart democracy, but how else can we get our representatives to tell the truth?
Our founders were revolutionaries, but they were not anarchists. Anarchists to do not begin their manifestos thus: “…a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”
Sure, one can don a tri-corner hat and re-enact the Good Old Days. But democracy cannot be re-enacted. It can only be enacted. The devil is in the details. The Constitution left those details to us. It’s time to reject the escapist cliche that democracy is messy and do the details.
Eggs and
Libertarianism
How
do you like your eggs, Rand Paul?
If
you like salmonella in your scrambled, you’re all good. If not, well….
Thanks
to Rand, his dad and Tea Party types galore, we all now know that libertarians
are not only against big government, they are against ANY government, with the
exception of police agencies that prosecute crimes against persons and,
especially, property.
But
if the Paul-ites (Paul-ists?
Paul-o-holics?) take over, they may be able to eliminate the FDA, the
EPA, Sallie Mae and the DOEs (Education and Energy), but they will also preside
over the expansion of one branch of government they had not intended: the
courts.
Libertarian
rule would make litigation a growth industry, because without regulations to
keep businesses in check, citizens will be suing each other left and right over
tainted eggs, sticky gas pedals and a very slippery Gulf of Mexico. Not that civil court dockets aren’t jammed
now, but without any government regulations, corporate malfeasance will
skyrocket as the U.S. tries to compete with China in a race to the bottom of
consumer safety.
Now,
I know that the laissez-faire, invisible-handers will contend that caveat
emptor-ing will combine with market forces to drive shoddy goods and services from
the market. But I doubt it. Many mortgage mis-mangers were driven from
the market, but not before they helped toss the economy into the tank.
Of
course, I expect there will be one form of government intervention corporate libertarians
will embrace: so called ‘tort reform,’ which always seems to mean keeping the
little guy out of court, or at least limiting damages to a relative
pittance.
Because
of government regulation, BP is on the hook for at least $20 billion for poisoning
the Gulf of Mexico. A mechanism has been
developed for compensating those who suffered economic harm from the spill. If the aftermath had to be played out
entirely in the court system, few people would see a penny during their
lifetimes as a battalion of BP lawyers wrestled with plaintiffs in federal and
state courts. And many of the
aforementioned little guys and gals would be shut out of legal remedy from the
jump, because it is hard to hire a high powered law firm when destitute.
Miniscule-government
advocates talk as if federal regulations were imposed dictatorially, but in
fact, they arose politically. When
people got sick of rodent ridden meat, 16 hour work days and rivers that caught
fire, their representatives enacted laws to protect them. Caveat emptor is fine, unless you happen to
be the unfortunate mother who discovers that a particular brand of baby food is
fatally toxic. Sure, the mother can sue
Brand X, but that’s cold comfort.
Rand
and Co., I’ve got to hand it to you for your chutzpah, if not your vision. You’ve captured the American
imagination. So have an omelet on
me. I know where to get some eggs really
cheap.
On Political Robo-Calls:
Now that the general election has come and gone, I can resume answering the phone, much to the relief of my 22 year old daughter, who like many of her generation, becomes unnerved when anything is allowed to ring more than twice. Facing chastisement, I have begged her to understand that my nerves have been shattered by robo-calls.
I am desperately hoping that we have reached the low-water mark in remote-control stumping. Robo-calls have now conditioned me to seize up at any jingling sound. Instead of salivating like Pavlov’s pooches, my psyche withdraws into a fetal position and whimpers “Go away!” The negative reinforcement has even caused me to shun human political contact. Once during primary season, the doorbell rang and I fled for fear of having to listen to a real campaigner who SOUNDED like a robo-call. So there I was, cowering in my kitchen like the fool who didn’t stock up on Halloween candy, dreading to even peek through the curtains to see if perhaps it wasn’t a political hack, but instead a cop with my car and a tow truck. And even though I did stock up for Halloween, last Saturday night was still hell. Doorbell rings, I jump. Phone rings, I jump higher. A kid in a Jerry Jennings mask would have sent me around the bend.
Jerry, in fact, called yesterday. Well, the Jerry-Bot. Now, I’ve been glad handed by hizzoner in person and found him to be affable enough, but the Jerry-Bot recording was so automatonic, it gave a new meaning to “political machine.”
Why do our pols think this kind of harassment works? Perhaps they have polls—from companies that also do robo-calls—that prove its effectiveness. But after pressing our flesh and kissing our babies, must they destroy our dinners like telemarketers? Perhaps it’s not a matter of public outreach, but public health. The last thing politicians want is physical contact with an electorate that might harbor H1N1, although if any breed of human would be immune from swine flu, it would probably be our clamorous ruling class.
My frustration has gotten so extreme that I will now talk to pollsters only for the delight of lying to them. There is nothing like the sense of payback I get from reading the results of a poll I have skewed. It’s perversely empowering to chuck a handful of sand into the well-oiled political machinery.
But there’s more we can besides lying to pollsters. Next Novemebr, if you get a robo-call from candidate A, vote for candidate B. If the B campaign also ruins your dinner, take the next step: write in Mickey Mouse, or Donald Duck, or Goofy. In the world of Pavlovian politics, electing Mickey, Donald or Goofy might be the only way to condition robo-calling politicians and make them realize they’ve shot off their clay feet by invading our homes. There is however, a potential downside. If we happen to elect an actual cartoon character as our next mayor, we may suffer this: “Hi, I work for the Walt Disney Company, and I like to tell you why I’m voting for…..” Seem farfetched? Well, consider that Zenia Mucha is Disney’s head of corporate communications. Remember her, Albany? Before heading to the magic kingdom, she was the feisty head flak for George Pataki.
On Deficit Reduction:
September 7, 2009, Labor Day, 2009: President Barak Obama announced today that after a raucous summer of contentions health care debates, he now ‘gets it.’ “I’ve heard the voices calling for us here in Washington to ‘keep our hands off my Medicare.’ Accordingly, I have drafted a proposal I will send to Congress immediately: H.O.P.E.—D.R.O.P: Hands Off the People’s Everything---Deficit Reduction, Obama Panacea.”
Obama’s plan includes:
--Hands Off Medicare: Starting immediately, Medicare will cease paying for office visits, prescription drugs, surgical procedures, diagnostic tests, hospitalizations and especially, any expenses associated with rubber gloves. Deficit reduction: Huge.
--Hands Off Social Security: As of October 1, all funds that would be distributed by Social Security will be used to buy lottery tickets in states with the highest payouts. In addition, Social Security administrators will be dispatched to Las Vegas with suitcases full of cash to double down on roulette, blackjack and craps. One billion dollars will be placed the New York Jets to win Super Bowl XLIV. Deficit reduction: Really huge. If Jets win Lombardi Trophy: Really, really, really huge.
--Hands Off Guns: As of November 1, the Pentagon will liquidate the U.S. Military, with the exception of marching bands and U.S.A.F. Thunderbirds ®. Inventories of M.R.E.’s will be sold to elderly citizens as alternate dietary choices to cat food (see above). The entire arsenals of the U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps will be auctioned off on e-Bay to increase homeland security. Obama explained, “M-16’s, B-2 bombers, nuclear attack submarines in the hands of the citizens who paid for them will increase public safety and will eliminate N.R.A. lobbying to loosen restrictions on concealed weapons.” Deficit reduction: Explosively large.
--Hands Off My Food: On December 1, the U.S. Agriculture Department and the Food and Drug Administration will be replaced by Rachel Ray, who will not only instruct us how to cook family-friendly meals in under 20 minutes, but will also provide instruction on how to identify poultry with salmonella, canned food with botulism and tofu tainted with tofu. She will not provide instruction on how to identify broccoli harboring e-coli, because a recent U.S.A.D. study determined that no one actually eats broccoli. Deficit reduction: Significant, minus whatever we have to pay Rachel.
--Hands Off My Money: Starting January 1, 2010, all I.R.S. employees will fan out with tin cups to malls across the country, squat at the doors and really, really politely suggest that people donate small change to offset the elimination of the income tax. While also trying to earn their own salaries, the former tax collection storm troopers will display handwritten cardboard signs that say, “Senators and House members really, really want to eat. Will work for the usual campaign contributions, free golfing holidays and clandestine sex.” Deficit reduction: Problematic.
--Hands Off the Constitution: On Valentine’s Day, 2010, the Supreme Court will be dissolved and justices will be forced to earn their keep by serving as judges on reality T.V. competitions. Sources close to the negotiations have reported that Associate Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has already inked a deal with Fox to replace Paula Abdul on ‘American Idol’, contingent on a sex change. Constitutional disputes will now be settled either by games of rock-paper-scissors or by determining who can yell, “It’s a free country!” the loudest. Deficit reduction: Small, but not chump change.
After outlining these overhauls to the federal bureaucracy, Obama deemed them “a good start” but said he won’t be happy until his job description is reduced to drinking beer with people “who’ve hurt each other’s feelings because they’ve had a bad day.” Obama also stated that, “I will do my part,” in future beer summits by excluding Vice President Biden and serving only Keystone Light.
On the AIG Bailout:
The rich are different than everyone you and me. They have more money.
--Paraphrased from Earnest Hemingway’s “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”
Yes, they’re different from us. But it’s because they have OUR money.
The AIG scandal proves that right now, the entitlements we need to sweat about are those claimed by our financial masters. The fact that the geniuses who blew up AIG will probably cash more bonus checks argues strongly for a reeducation program aimed at Wall Street swells. And I’m not talking about a weekend seminar at Harvard Business School to burnish the M.B.A. I’m imagining the ‘reeducation’ served up by Chairman Mao during the Cultural Revolution, minus the bloodthirsty mobs and the beheadings. Or maybe not. Today the East, West, North and South are Red from the fires in the eyes of average Americans.
While Rush Limbaugh will rail against an American version of the Cultural Revolution, look what it did for China. I’d argue that the backlash from Mao’s bloody decade veered China toward cranking out $25 DVD players and seizing on U.S. debt like a loan shark.
The Masters of the Universe need a good lesson in how the other 99.9 percent lives. Let’s make like Mao and send these guys to sleep overnight in an ’89 Buick, to peel potatoes at a soup kitchen or to dispense coffee to the anxious souls stuck in a long unemployment line. Better yet, let’s have our financial wizards roll op the sleeves of their hand sewn shirts, grab a shovel and muck out a dairy barn. Maybe they’ll learn something by such a muscular investment in ‘fertilizer futures.’
If you recoil at the thought of any activity that smacks of socialism, Marxism or Maoism, consider instead a ‘reeducation’ method from OUR revolution. Ten pounds tar, one pound feathers. Apply liberally. If needed, repeat at musket point.
Now I’m all for the rule of law, but how do we get justice when the culprits have the white shoe firms in their pockets? How to we make these scoundrels cop to the self serving fallacies they’ve used to bamboozle us? The sad fact is that despite losing all our chips, they still hold all the cards, because the one thing they seem right about is “Too Big To Fail.”
The latest AIG pretzel logic contends that the same Einstiens who trashed our economy must be retained by paying them huge bonuses. The argument goes that only the Doctors of Derivatives possess the arcane knowledge needed amputate AIG’s gangrenous appendages. This sounds to me like saying that the engineers who designed Chernobyl were the only ones who could clean it up.
Hey—nuclear waste removal! Now there is a ‘toxic asset’ remediation duty for the AIG-ers: those few, those proud, who have will have succeeded only at looting their workplace while it was burning down.
