The May Be News

"All The News That Gives You Fits, We Print (or at least upload).

Daltongn.com is proud to deliver the scoops that others miss.  While most mainstream media outlets have handed over the keys to bloviating extremists, we’re still in the trenches reporting all the news that doesn’t seem to fit these days.  We’ll be giving you all the facts, and checking them twice. 

Facebook’s Great Frontier

East Los Angeles, October 29, 2013  (MBNS)

Having maxed out the potential of an arena it invented, Facebook will pioneer new territory:  Anti-Social Media.  

Today Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a spin-off of his ubiquitous website, which will be called INYOURFACEbook.   Zuckerberg made the announcement in East Los Angeles, on a street that marks the dividing line between territory claimed by the King Kobras Rifa and Choppers 12 street gangs.  He said the location was “a metaphor for the world we are entering with this new product.”  

Word on that street was that Zuckerberg had bought a free pass into the gangland war zone with sacks of cash, a vast array of expensive watches and authentic i-Phone5’s.  More word on the street was that additional booty (of both kinds) would be paid to “anyone who kept journalists from asking questions about privacy and what not.”  

The still somewhat boyish, though married, CEO described INYOURFACEbook as a site with multiple functionalities, including the ability to automatically cyber-harass anyone a Facebook subscriber might de-friend.  The anti-social media site will feature pages dedicated to one’s enemies, and will include a prominent display called “My Ten Most Unwanted.”  It will also provide real time alerts about when others subscribers pile on to trash an enemy.   A flaming icon will appear in the top right corner of the INYOURFACEbook screen with text reading “Burn Notice.”  

Zuckerberg said the idea for the site came during his 47th viewing of the film “The Social Network,” which dramatized the origins of Facebook during Zuckerberg’s truncated career as a Harvard undergrad.  “I realized that the basic premise of the movie was true.  Finally.  I did create Facebook to get back at girls.  But it spun out of control into something…..what’s the word?….Benign.  So I wanted to get back to my roots, so to speak.”  

Despite the somewhat malevolent nature of the site, Zuckerberg described it in lofty terms.  “Everything has its opposite,” he asserted, “Yin and yang, matter and anti-matter, the Yankees and Red Sox, Google and, well, anybody who’s paying attention.  INYOUR FACEbook is intended to restore balance to the universe and to acknowledge that the web has already been doing anti-social media, just not very well.  We’re upping the ante.”  

Before drawing the attention of a very tattooed gangster, a reporter asked Zuckerberg if his brainchild would simply validate cyberbullying and make life a living hell for any student who has advanced beyond kindergarten.  Zuckerberg dodged the question, muttering something about “developing parental controls” while the reporter was heaved into the back of a black Range Rover.  

Perhaps the biggest news, and perhaps the biggest brake on use by minors, was that the site will charge a $29.99 per month subscriber fee.  An intrepid reporter from The Wall Street Journal asked about the viability of the business model, suggesting that people would balk at paying for something they have essential gotten for free.   Zuckerberg shot back, “No one has gotten anti-social media for free.  What they’ve gotten is a bunch of haphazard, inefficient and fugly modalities for expressing their yangs.  He then began to demonstrate how he would create an INYOURFACEbook page for the Wall Street Journal while the Journal’s reporter was heaved into the back of another black Range Rover by a burly man with more ink than the print version of the august business newspaper.

Most Average American High School Student Named

September 15, 2013

Colonie, NY,  (MBNS)


Tyler Grumph is Everyman, or at least Everystudent.  

Grumph, a 17 year old junior at South Colonie High School in the Albany, NY suburbs, was named Most Average High School Student by Scholastic Magazine after a survey of grades and other attributes of students nationwide. Grumph, who in an interview described his cumulative average as a “solid C something” said that as his senior year approaches, “I’m kinda thinking about community college, or maybe working at Best Buy because of the employee discounts.  I think they’ve got those, the employee discounts.”  

Young Grumph admitted that his high school career hasn’t been much for extracurricular activities, although he did try out for the JV basketball team in ninth grade.  He also still seemed bitter about being dropped from the junior class talent show when he was accused of plagiarizing rap lyrics from a Bronx fourth grader.  “If there was a weed smoking club, I coulda been like secretary of that.” Grump insisted, adding, “I don’t think I coulda hacked the math to be treasurer.  Like if you got an ounce for say, four hundred, then how much weed would go in each dime bag?  Ten bucks, I got that part, but the rest…..?  I mean, how good’s this weed, for one thing?”  

When told that his grades reflected both the median and the mean, Grumph chafed.  “Why do you have to use those SAT words?” he said.   Grumph quickly grew to see his distinction as a cruse rather than a blessing.  “Like now everybody is gonna hate on me because they’re gonna think I think I’m better than them,” the young man lamented.  He also wanted to know why his distinction did not come with “one of those humungous cardboard checks.”

Grover Norquist Found Drowned

November 30, 2011

Washington D.C. (MBNS)
 
Grover Norquuist, the anti-tax activist dedicated to reducing government “to the size where I can ….drown it in the bathtub," was discovered drowned yesterday--in a bathtub.

Norquist’s body was discovered by the housekeeper of his Washington, D.C. townhouse. Metropolitan D.C. police were tight lipped about details of their investigation and the circumstances surrounding the body’s discovery, except to say foul play could not be ruled out and that a comprehensive investigation would ensue, given “the deceased’s vast number of antagonists.”

The District of Columbia coroner cautioned against media speculation until an autopsy and toxicology tests were completed.  Investigators did say that no apparent forensic evidence had been discovered anywhere in Norquist’s home.

Sources close to the investigation, who requested anonymity because police rules do not allow them to speak directly to the media, said that Norquist was discovered in his second floor tub, wearing an undershirt and boxer shorts, with a laptop computer and cell phone nearby.  They also reported that police spent five hours questioning Norquist’s wife, Samah Alrayyes, a PR specialist from Kuwait and former director of the Islamic Free Market Institute at the U.S. Agency for International Development.  Detectives described the interview as “an initial conversation” and refused comment when asked if Alrayyes was a suspect.  The couple has two children they adopted from overseas.

Those acquainted with Alrayyes from the USAID and elsewhere were not surprised to learn of Norquist’s death.  Although none would speak for attribution due to the delicate nature of the circumstance, several remarked that Alrayyes had become increasingly frustrated with her husband’s, “stingy, skinflint nature and his obsession with tax reduction.”  One source reported that approaching the Christmas holiday with Norquist was, “like a rerun of “A Christmas Carol” in which Scrooge never even meets the first ghost.”

Although law enforcement sources noted that, “the wife is always as suspect” in a domestic death, they said that other, even more sinister murder scenarios would need to be considered to completely investigate the death.  One informed observer suggested that Norquist might have been drowned by an unhinged Democrat with a keen sense of irony, but cautioned that, “This M.O. was very meticulous.  Dead body inside a locked house with absolutely no evidence left behind?  Doesn’t sound like a Democrat job to me.  Obama is no Nixon, if you get my drift.”

Another motive floated for the death was murder by moderate Republicans who had become confined in budget negotiations after having signed Norquist’s "Taxpayer Protection Pledge", in which the politician promises to "oppose any and all efforts to increase the marginal income tax rate for individuals and business; and to oppose any net reduction or elimination of deductions and credits, unless matched dollar for dollar by further reducing tax rates."  Sources suggested that some House and Senate member who signed Norquist’s pledge now had “buyer’s remorse” and wished to be unshackled from it, “in order to actually sanely address the nation’s deficit through a combination of spending cuts and increased revenue that a majority of Americans could support.”

If freedom from Norquist’s pledge motivated his murder, the tactic may have backfired.  One Capitol Hill insider, when asked if Norquist’s death would release politicians from their vows, replied, “Oh, God no!  They’re locked in forever!  Norquist will go from being a force of institutional tyranny to canonization.  Anyone who votes for a single cent in new tax revenue will be accused to spitting on Grover’s grave!”

Gingrich:Obama Neglecting War of 1812 Bicentennial

November 23, 2011

Baltimore (MBNS)

AssailingBarak Obama as “a president who scorns America’s exceptional history,”Republican presidential hopeful today demanded that Obama explain why he has“done nothing to commemorate the imminent bicentennial of the War of 1812.” 

“Asan American, a Christian and an historian,” Gingrich told a small group gatheredat Gate B-29 of the Baltimore-Washington International Airport, “I’m appalledthat our president has not led the cheer for those patriots who defended ourfreedom two centuries ago.  This is onemore sign that his heart is more aligned with Kenya’s anti-colonialism thanAmerica’s.” 

Gingrichmade the attack during a flight delay as he shuttled between New Hampshire, Iowaand South Carolina, trying to gain traction in the GOP presidential race as apotential alternative to Mitt Romney, who has remained stubbornly near the topin most polls.   TheDemocratic blogosphere quickly rebuffed Gingrich.  Pundits claimed that his remarks were intendedto, “change the subject from his hypocritically accepting over a million and ahalf dollars from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, organizations he trashed,” as B.M.Stul wrote on the Huffington Post website. 

Therewas no response from the White House other than a terse statement issued byPress Secretary Jay Carney which read, “The president is concerned with endingthe war in Afghanistan in 2012. Or 2013, as the case may be.” Gingrich,a former Speaker of the House, is a historian by training and inclination andhas written eight books of historical fiction. His campaign for president has finally begun to gain momentum after thelarge majority of Republican voters disenchanted with Mitt Romney grewdisenchanted with Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and then Herman Cain.  As one prospective GOP primary voter said ashe walked away from the BWI press event, “Newt is weird but sane.  Today. Tomorrow he may be sane but weird.” 

Athis impromptu press event, Gingrich took a moment to remember Francis Scott Key, the young poet-lawyer, who wrote thewords to the “Star Spangled Banner” after he witnessed the British Navy bombardBaltimore’s Fort McHenry at the onset of the war.  After seeing his country's flag still flyingover the fort the next morning, Key penned a poem that began, “Oh, say can yousee….”  Key gave the poem to hisbrother-in-law, who saw that the words fit the popular melody "TheAnacreontic Song”, which was the official song of an 18th-century gentlemen'sclub of amateur musicians in London. Pointingvaguely northeast from Gate B-29, Gingrich declared, “Key immortalized our flagjust about 10 miles from here on I-95.  Iwish I could have had the time to visit that national shrine today, but trafficis just not moving at all, as usual.” 

TheWar of 1812 was a war fought during 1812, 1813, 1814 and 1815 between theUnited States and Great Britain.  Aftergoing 0-2 in away contests with the Americans, the British decided to spend thefirst half of the 20th century fighting Germany, with the UnitedStates as a tag team partner. 

During thewar, the Americans failed at an attempt to invade Canada, the Indians failed atan attempt to avoid decimation and Andrew Jackson failed at an attempt toremain sober, but succeeded at an attempt to use some friendly Indians to kill unfriendlyIndians befriended by the British. Jackson became a hero for winning the Battle of New Orleans, which wasfought after the English and Americans had signed a peace treaty at Ghent,Belgium.  “The internet was a bit slow inthose days,” quipped Gingrich. 

Beforegrabbing a Cinnabon prior to his connecting flight, Gingrich became solemn andasked for a moment of silence to recall that during the war, the British hadinvaded Washington and burned the White House and Capitol.  When an onlooker reminded Gingrich that hehad just recounted the campaign promises of the entire GOP presidential field, Gingrichscowled and replied, “History is happening before your eyes and you don’t seeit!  What are you here for, Occupy BWI?”  Immediately after wards, Gingrich pressed theflesh at the Cinnabon kiosk before being whisked away by airport security for,as one officer said, “causing a ruckus at the food court.”

Bachman Proposes ‘Torture-Off’ To Whittle GOP Field

November 18, 2011  

 Dallas (MBNS)  

On Friday, Republican Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachman challenged to all her GOP adversaries to submit to what she called “extremely enhanced interrogation techniques” to determine who is “the toughest, most authentic Christian Conservative.”  Representative Bachman (R-MN) said that she would conduct the interrogations personally and challenged her opponents to return the favor in order to “see if you can prove that I’m a crypto-socialist liberal.” 

 Enhanced interrogation techniques remain controversial and have recently arisen as an issue in the Republican presidential race.  In a recent televised debate, Bachman insisted that the practice of waterboarding is not torture and should be used on suspected terrorists to force them to reveal terrorist plots.  Although approved for use during the Bush administration, many people have denounced enhanced interrogation as torture.  Arizona senator John McCain, the 2008 GOP presidential nominee, has declared waterboarding to be torture.  McCain was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War and suffered years of torture at the hands of the North Vietnamese.  When reminded of McCain’s pronouncement, Bachman shot back, “No disrespect to the senator and hero, but in 2008 he finished second in a two horse race.”  

Bachman issued her challenge during a press conference at the American Airlines Center in Dallas while standing in the ‘cage’ that would house an Ultimate Fighting Championship competition that evening.  Dressed in a black leather jumpsuit that echoed the attire of pro wrestling, Bachman made her announcement to the assembled media via the ring microphone. 

In a novel but not surprising twist, Bachman invited hundreds of sports journalists to the event, but not the political press corps.  Bachman., who scorns the mainstream media, said she was sure her announcement would be reported more fairly by, “guys who are used to covering mano-a-mano and mano-a-womano contests.”

Bachman’s challenge came under fire immediately from the camps of candidate Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman.  Texas Representative Paul repeated his assertion that waterboarding is “immoral” and “illegal,” and added that Bachman’s challenge “provides evidence of an irresponsible and histrionic mindset not suitable to be commander-in-chief.”

Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, thus far an also ran in the nominating race, said the technique would “diminish our standing in the world and the values that we project, which include liberty, democracy, human rights and open markets when we torture.”  He asked the two reporters assembled at his press conference, “Why can’t a sane person get any attention in this race?  Is there some unofficial quota of one mentally stable Mormon?”

Calls to the campaign headquarters of the other GOP candidates were not immediately returned.  A reporter who called the Herman Cain headquarters was put on hold for three hours while listening to a recording of Cain declaiming “Nine-Nine-Nine!” followed by ads for Godfather’s Pizza.  

Bachman singled out Mitt Romney for an especially blistering attack.  Former Massachusetts Governor Romney, who has been identified by many observers as the inevitable Republican nominee, has been accused by Bachman and all the other candidates of being a flip-flopper who has shifted his moderate positions to the right in order to appeal to the conservative GOP voters that dominates the party’s primaries.  Bachman was blunt about her plans for Romney, should he accept.  “Pouring freezing water over Mitt’s face will just be the beginning.  I’ve got enhancements planned for him that will make the Spanish Inquisition look the Obama Administration.”

Waterboarding is a centuries-old method of coercion in which a prisoner’s face is covered with a cloth, the head tilted backwards, and water poured over the cloth.  Waterboarding immediately induces a sensation of drowning and suffocation, which the technique’s advocates say makes terrorist suspects “extremely compliant” during interrogation.  

Bachman said she was eager to undergo waterboarding herself in order to prove her “Christian Conservative credibility.”  She did, however, make one stipulation:  “If I seem to start speaking in gibberish, I’m not doing a Rick Perry.  I’ll be speaking in tongues.  The Holy Spirit will be seeing me through.”  

Flailing candidate Rick Perry, the current Texas governor has been plagued by mental lapses and verbal gaffes since he entered the presidential race.  Source close to the Bachman camp indicated that Bachman’s choice of Dallas to throw down the gauntlet was part an effort to “finish off Perry for good.”  Perry has vied for political ground coveted by Bachman: the hearts and minds of evangelicals.  The insiders said that “Michelle is chomping at the bit to get Perry in the cage and destroy his image as a pistol packin’, shoot-from-the-hip lay preacher.  She’s sure she can turn him into a whimpering sorority girl in five minutes flat.”

Vatican Sources Say Rick Perry Seeks Exorcism  

November 15, 2011  

Austin, TX, and Rome (MBNS)  

In an attempt to revive his staggering presidential campaign, which has been plagued by gaffes and bizarre behavior, Rick Perry will undergo a televised exorcism next Sunday morning.  In a statement to be released tomorrow, the Perry campaign will emphasize what it called the distinction between "being possessed by the devil and being OF the devil.” 

“The governor is possessed by the devil,” revealed one senior aide, who continued, “but he in no way invited this demonic presence.  In fact, we’re positive that Lucifer is trying to sabotage the Perry campaign because he knows a Perry victory will be a major blow to the forces of darkness.”  

Sources close to the Perry operation said that the main obstacle at the moment is finding a suitable exorcist.  While back channel feelers have generated a long list of interested clergy, Perry strategists have yet to "find the Teflon cleric--somebody who hasn't burned a Koran, called Mormonism a cult, sought the death penalty for gays or proposed gulags for women seeking abortions.  The left wing media can make a controversy over nothing," one high place staffer remarked. 

Although several of Perry's campaign staff and its consultants provided interviews for this article, all asked for anonymity because they "don't want to end up like that coyote that messed with the governor when he was jogging," as one source put it.  

Although Perry is not Catholic, Vatican sources have told The May Be News that his campaign has discreetly inquired if Pope Benedict would be willing to perform the exorcism.  "Even though he is a far cry from his predecessor," one high ranked staffer explained, “the pontiff still has a load of  credibility, what with the clothes, that estate in Rome, and of course, the Popemobile."  When asked about Benedict's adolescent membership in the Hitler youth, the staffer said, "I think we can finesse that.  The College of Cardinals did."  

Vatican insiders reported that the Pope's advisers are leery about injecting the Holy See directly into politics.  They are also reluctant to publicize the Vatican's continued use of exorcism or the details of its exorcism rite.  "We're trying to get the Church into the 17th century, one source noted, “and having potential converts associate the brand with spinning heads, pea soup vomit and “Your mother sucks you-know-whats in hell” could alienate our target demographic.” When told that some people might find the kind of spiritual experience depicted in the 1973 film, “The Exorcist" enticing, one Vatican bishop remarked, "We'll have to do a focus group on that." 

Consensus among those close to the Pope was that Perry would have to convert to Catholicism before Pope Benedict would even consider availing him of any Catholic ritual.  “That could be a deal breaker,” said one Perry staffer, who said that the candidate has to walk a fine line between alienating his evangelical base and finding a way to look presidential. 

Sources indicated that Perry believes wholeheartedly that he is possessed, and has grown tired of the pretzel logic he has been forced to use to justify his memory lapses, incomprehensible regurgitation of talking points, and a speech that made observers question whether he was intoxicated on Vicodin, alcohol, or both.  They added that the national electorate has not seen the same Perry who has never lost an election in Texas.   Campaign strategists even believe they can turn the exorcism into a plus for Perry.  “The governor has been THE star of the Lone Star State for over ten years now,” one insider remarked, “Demonic possession is the only possible explanation for him polling behind the likes of Mitt Romney and Herman Cain.  Those guys are such ciphers that the devil would never even bother possessing them.  The devil is trying to sink the Perry campaign, so that shows you which side God is on.”      

Penn State Students: “That Grand Jury Ruined Christmas!”

November 12, 2011

State College, PA (MBNS)

In the aftermath of the pedophilia scandal at Penn State, many members of the student body have fallen into a near clinical depression, the head of the university counseling center reported.  Many students feel that along with the climax of the Nittany Lion’s football season, their end-of year holidays have been spoiled by the turmoil.  As one sophomore put it, “That grand jury ruined Christmas!”
 
Dr. Marilyn Branque, the psychiatrist who administers the Penn State Wellness Center, explained in an interview Saturday that students are disoriented, discouraged and extremely vulnerable.  “They need support,” said Dr. Branque, explaining, “At first some of them rioted, and that was fun, but after the T.V. trucks were toppled and the lampposts uprooted, they felt a great emptiness.  The one person they could believe in, their ultimate grandfather figure, Joe Paterno, was suddenly being called an enabler of child abuse.  To them, it was as if Santa Claus was arrested for flashing pre-schoolers.”

Branque said that her staff had been overwhelmed by requests for counseling and that individual therapy had become impossible to deliver.  As of the Friday before the football team’s home game with Nebraska, ‘group’ therapy was being delivered in the enormous lecture halls that usually house classes like Statistics 101, Intro to Biology, and Anthropology 222, ‘The History and Culture of Penn State Tailgating.’

Jeremy Q. Rodriguez, one of Branque’s front-line counselors, said that he feared for the well being of hundreds, perhaps thousands of students in the wake of the outcry that legendary football coach Paterno should have immediately notified police when he was told that one of his former assistant coaches had raped a young boy in the football facility showers. “Game day for these kids is not supposed to be about contemplating anal rape and moral responsibilities.  It’s supposed to be about fun and showing universities like Nebraska that We Are Penn State!”

Rodriguez said he worried that many students would not have the mental and emotional wherewithal to survive final exams.   “It’s not even Thanksgiving,” Rodriquez warned, “These kids are not drinking.  They are not having sex.  They feel like they have nothing to look forward to in the time they have remaining at Penn State.  They worshiped Joe, and they don’t understand how the trustees could have fired him after 409 career wins.  They are like young children who’ve been told that Santa shoots heroin and knocks over liquor stores.”

In many interviews conducted on the Penn State campus before Saturday’s football showdown with Nebraska, many students expressed sentiments consistent with Rodriquez’s analysis.

“I don’t know.  I can’t imagine enjoying Thanksgiving or Christmas.  All my family will be talking about is JoePa.  The thought of it makes me want to not get out of bed and avoid the whole stress fest, like I do with Calculus,” said Chad Renquist of Beaver Falls, PA.  His roommate, Felix Twist of Lord’s Valley, PA, echoed his sentiments and added, “Maybe when bowl season is over we’ll be able to find some normalcy.  Of course, it would help if the Eagles would make the playoffs, but that’s not gonna happen. Maybe I’ll have to become a Steelers fan.”

Wellness Center Director Branque said she believes that most students will get through the Paterno trauma wiser, more mature, and stronger.  “Look,” Branque asserted, “these kids were 10 years old and got through 9/11.  I’m sure they have the resilience to handle this catastrophe, even though this hits closer to home.  After all, one expects bad things to happen in New York.  Not in Happy Valley.”
 

Missing Hedge Fund Manager’s Body Found, Oddly Intact

October 31, 2011

New York (MBNS)

The body of hedge fund manager Roland Q. Ramagarian, missing for six weeks, was discovered yesterday in a storm drain in lower Manhattan.  After an initial investigation, New York City police detectives do not suspect foul play, although they caution that their preliminary finding may change post-autopsy.  

Although detectives suspect Ramagarian was killed in a freak accident, they remain puzzled by the state of his body, which was nearly entirely intact after spending six weeks in a filthy storm drain.  “Yeah, we were surprised,” said First Precinct homicide detective Gus Johnson, “usually somebody who’s been in such a location for that long can only be identified by DNA or dental records.  Me, I knew it was him right away.  He looked just like his picture from Page 1 of the Post, only in a better mood.”  

Johnson explained that after six weeks in a city sewer, a corpse is “pretty much picked clean” by rats, maggots, and other scavengers.  He reported that he had only seen “several small rat nibbles” on Ramagarian’s body, speculating that “for some reason” the rats must not have liked what they tasted.   “It’s weird,” Johnson commented, “Rats will eat anything.  They eat rat poison, for chissakes!”

Johnson also reported another peculiar finding: Ramagarian’s body showed almost no outward sign of decay.  “It was like the bodies we pull from the Hudson in winter,” Johnson said, “pretty well preserved.  Just take that whole chicken out of the freezer, thaw it, and you’ll have a good idea of what I’m talking about here.”  

There were, however, other indicators of decay.  “There was a horrible odor emanating from the deceased’s mouth and nose, almost like he was rotting from within.  Well, it’s one for the medical examiner to figure out, I guess.”  

Johnson said that Wall Street workers noticed the fetid odor weeks before the body was discovered, but that they assumed the smell was coming from the Occupy Wall Street protesters in Zucotti Park, which is located just one block from the storm drain that trapped Ramagarian.   Adding to the nauseating smell around Ramagarian’s corpse was the fact that it had been marinating for six weeks in three inches of rat urine and saliva.  “It was as if every rat below 14th Street used that hole as a urinal or spittoon,” reported Johnson.  

Johnson would not speculate on the exact circumstances of Ramagarian’s death, but sources close to the investigation say it’s believed that the billionaire shimmied into the storm drain to collect an accumulation of change that had built up in a catch basin.  Johnson did confirm that the forensics team had collected $3.79 in loose U.S. coins plus an assortment of coins from other countries.  Crime scene investigator Madeline Tuck confirmed this detail and said, “I took the change to Starbucks, figuring it was, like, you know, a free coffee, but it turned out I didn’t have enough when they wouldn’t take the three Canadian quarters.” 

Associates of Ramagarian, who wished to remain anonymous so as to not antagonize the Wall Street community, reported that they were not surprised to learn that the hedge fund colossus might have met his end by chasing loose change in the sewer.  “Rolly would have crawled into a steaming dung heap for a buck,” said one longtime admirer, “That’s what made him so great at what he did.” 

Controversy Over Miley Cyrus Sex Tape

February 12, 2010

Los Angeles (MBNS)  The former Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, is again facing controversy about a sexual display, this time regarding a much-rumored sex tape expected by many to be released on the internet on Valentine’s Day.  The reaction appears likely to surpass the uproar caused by the suggestive Annie Leibovitz photos of the then 15 year old Cyrus published in Vanity Fair in 2008, which caused the mothers of tween Hannah Montana fans across the country to assail the former Disney star as a sellout to Hollywood prurience.  

But the alleged sex tape has set other controversies alight all along the media rumor mill.  Instead of being a crude, barely visible homemade boudoir recording, the supposed Cyrus video has been reported by anonymous sources to have “been very carefully planned” and have “slick, cinematic production values” along with a $3.4 million budget.  Leaks apparently springing from the Cyrus camp have indicated that while there will be no musical performance in the tape, it will follow the aesthetics of a music video.  In fact, it is reported while Cyrus engages in sex, her own recordings play as background sound. 

Officially, Cyrus and her management team have been mum about the rumors.  Brian Twintfiest, Cyrus’ Director for Web-Based Media, in a video news conference yesterday denied that anyone in the star’s inner circle, including her father, country music star Billy Ray Cyrus, could confirm the existence of any recording of Miley having  sex.  Twintfiest said, however, that no one close to the young celebrity had asked her directly about the rumors, saying, “It’s none of our business.  What Miley does in private is her own affair.” 

Unofficially, multiple members of the alleged tape’s production team have anonymously reported to The May Be News that the release of the video of the adolescent performer in flagrante delicto represents a very carefully calculated career move.  “Look,” one source explained, “These days you’re not really THERE until some ex has posted some of your triple X exploits on the web.  It’s inevitable, so it was decided to get ahead of what was sure to come, and control the product.”  A member of the creative team said in an e-mail that, “People are sick of squinting at poorly lit, shaky camera, homespun porn that can’t be differentiated from bio class video of amoebas mating, if amoebas even mate.  Well, unlike Paris Hilton, Miley didn’t want to look like an amoeba in expensive lingerie.”

Those connected with the filming provided few insider details, except to say that “Miley was a complete professional throughout the two week shoot.”  They said that she was patient during the multiple takes, extreme close-ups and continuous stoppages to redo hair and makeup mussed during a romp that was described as “vigorous, if not downright athletic.”

Christian and feminist activists assailed the alleged sex tape, although for somewhat different reasons.  While those who went on the record said they hoped the rumors weren’t true, they also said that the rumors themselves demanded an immediate response.  Jane Q. Swanson, president of the Dallas based abstinence-only group, “Honor Thy Chastity,” said in a video statement posted on the group’s web site that, “Ms. Cyrus is clearly speeding down the road to perdition like a Toyota with a stuck accelerator.  I only hope that she takes Jesus into her heart and flees the flesh market that is the entertainment industry.  We don’t want to see another Brittney Spears.  God, no.”

Other negative responses were just as vitriolic.  B. F. Chan, president of the New York based feminist activist collective Females First, told a 42nd Street news conference that, “While we believe that any woman of legal age has the right to control her sexual behavior and the depiction thereof, we are disturbed by this news, as it indicates the possibility of a multi-million dollar exploitation of a teenager.  These days, it’s difficult to tell the difference between a former tween idol and a foruteen year old Bankok hooker, with the exception that the girl in Bankok doesn’t want to look totally emaciated.”

All the anonymous sources from the production were mum about who, if anyone, Cyrus partnered with in the video, except to say, “It wasn’t Justin Beiber.”  None would say if the tape recorded the starlet’s “first time,” or even if the events filmed recorded actual sex acts, or merely artful mimicry.  One source even said, “For all the hullabaloo, Miley might still be a virgin.  Or not.”   

Cyrus’ father Billy Ray was caught on tape by a TV reporter while changing planes in Nashville.  When asked about the rumors, he responded, “Shut the f***** up!” and spat a wad of chewing tobacco at the camera.

Finally, Google reported yesterday that for the last week “Miley Cyrus sex tape,” “Hannah Montana porkfest” and other such search terms topped all other inquiries combined, including those about Egypt, even in Cairo.  

Evangelicals Acknowledge Global Warming, Plan Fix

February 11, 2011

Wichita, Kansas (MBNS)  A confederation of evangelical Christian organizations has announced that it believes global warming is real, but not caused by the same sources claimed by scientists.  The group believes that “an explosion in the number of souls in hell” has caused the earth beneath our feet, and thus the atmosphere, to get hotter.  The only fix, the group says, is “to immediately save every human soul” to keep hell from expanding.  The confederation’s president, the Rev. Peter Thermador of Pensacola, FL, made the announcement at the annual convention of Evangelical Engagement, a Wichita based body that seeks to “apply the energy of Evangelicalism to solving the big problems facing humanity,” according to the mission statement posted on the confederation’s web site.

Thermador set a tone more strident than Al Gore in “An Inconvenient Truth.”  “By our calculations,” he warned the convention, “most of the people who die every year go directly to hell—hundreds of millions of Muslims, Hindus, Jews, lapsed and practicing Catholics, along with heathens, wiccans, pagans and vegans.  Consequently, hell has had to expand exponentially to accommodate the damned.  Hell has become like the suburbs of Atlanta—all sprawl, but with wrose commuting.”  Thermador went on to explain that “the only way to cool things off is for at least 92% of all people now living today to come to Christ, otherwise hellfire will turn the earth into a sauna and burn our feet from below.  We owe it to the next generation to turn down the heat.  Pensacola is already bad enough in the summer.”

Engaged Evangelicals will soon launch a “global crusade” to convert billions of “unbelievers” to Christianity.  Thermador said he expects the biggest resistance to come from Middle Eastern Muslims and populations in sub-Saharan Africa, “because these are the Some who like it hot.”

The number of missionaries needed to convert approximately 5 billion people has not been determined, Thermador said, but he estimated it would be in the “tens of millions, unless our web-based conversion apps really take off.”  He said that while much effort would be put into saving souls in cyberspace, because so many “infidels” don’t have web access, much of the missionary work will have to be done “the old fashioned way, going from house to house, pamphlets in hands, ringing doorbells and knocking.”  When reminded that many of those in the target populations have neither doors nor doorbells, Thermadoor shot back, “Then we’ll just have to revive the tradition of the town crier.”

Global climate scientists welcomed the evangelicals’ focus on atmospheric warming, but called the conversion efforts, “possibly misguided.”  In a carefully worded statement released today, the Union of Concerned Scientists said, “While we remain neutral on questions regarding the existence and/or nature of hell, we believe that human efforts to ameliorate global warming should focus on the temporal rather than spiritual realm.  We need to be cognizant of the fact that while the Christian hell would have a monstrous carbon footprint, the fuel used for adequate fire and brimstone would be a small fraction of the hydrocarbons burned by such entities as McDonald’s, the world’s coal fired power plants and the U.S. Navy.”

American Muslim and Jewish groups reacted with outrage to the contention that tormenting the souls of their deceased kin is responsible for global climate.  Rabbi Benjamin Ben Levi of the American Anti-Defamation league said in an interview with CNN that “this is like blaming the Jews for stoking the furnaces in the concentration camps.  It’s a disgrace.”  Imam Mohamed Muhamed of the Not Really That Close to Ground Zero Mosque in lower Manhattan told a news conference at City Hall that “Muslims everywhere will resist all attempts to convert them” and suggested that Evangelicals concerned about global warming “invest in air conditioning, just like me and my good friend, Rabbi Ben Levi.”

SPIDERMAN’S New Marketing Plan: “It Sucks So Bad, It’s Great!”

February 10,  2011

New York  (MBNS)  Now that pre-opening reviews have excoriated the troubled Broadway musical adaptation “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark,” the producers have overhauled their marketing strategy with a plan to brand the $65 million extravaganza as a “once-in-a-generation chance to see a Broadway disaster of truly epic proportions.”

Although the musical is not scheduled to open until March 15, in the last week numerous influential critics descended on the Foxwoods Theater and rendered a collective thumbs down--when they weren’t holding their noses, that is.

The production, by far the most expensive ever mounted on the Great White Way, has postponed its opening five times while continuing to play for preview audiences paying top dollar.  Many critics felt four postponements was enough, and decided to review the musical on its fourth supposed opening night.  

The response was savage, and momentarily appeared to be a possible death blow to a production plagued by cost overruns, technical failures and injuries to actors trying to perform its razzle-dazzle staging, which included intricately choreographed flying sequences unfolding directly above the audience.  But the producers and creative team are now trying to use the critical brickbats to pan for gold.  

Michale Kohl, the lead producer, unveiled the new marketing plan at a lavish press conference at the Foxwoods, which featured Reeve Carney, the actor playing Spiderman, in costume, straddling a full sized replica of Fat Man, the nuclear bomb that leveled Nagasaki.  “We’ve tried our best,” Kohl said, “but after many months, millions of dollars and swimming pools of sweat equity, we have to admit that the show’s unfixable.  It’s a bomb.  But it’s a high-yield, energy intensive explosive that packs a multi-megaton wallop!  We may never see the likes of it again.  So we say, to all the theatergoers out there, see it while you can!  There’s nothing worse than having missed truly abdominal theater.  How many people have we met would have paid an arm and a leg to have seen “Carrie” before it closed?  I know I’d pay a premium to go back in time and guffaw at “Nick & Nora.”  This is a perfect opportunity for theatrical schadenfreude. Don’t miss it!”

Kohl also announced that the production has once again delayed its opening, this time to April 15, saying that between now and then the artistic team would be working to undo the “improvements” made since previews began in November.  The goal, he said, is to rewind the production “to the truly incomprehensible, inept mess it was at the first preview, to its maximum state of awfulness.”

Director Julie Taymor also spoke at the press conference.  The celebrated director of “The Lion King” stammered, stuttered and quivered her way through several truncated responses, all the while gazing at the ceiling with a thousand yard stare.  “Done.  It’s done.  It’s really done,” she babbled, adding, “I don’t have the energy for polishing this (expletive, meaning “lump of excrement").  Before Kohl could offer her some water and two small white pills, Taymor leapt on the table, and, in a near Shakespearian frenzy, bellowed, “I’d rather have my eyes put out with hot pokers than live another minute in this hell on earth!”  Once Taymor was restrained, and calmed, she pledged to return to her avant garde roots “doing incomprehensible puppet theater in rat infested basements for downtown audiences who revolt if the show IS comprehensible.”

The musical’s composers, Bono and The Edge of the famed rock group U2, did not attend the press conference.  In a statement read by Kohl, the musicians said that they “regretted that the production could not jump its last hurdle, but the band needs to honor a long postponed concert date in Botswana.”

More specific comments by the composers were posted on their individual Twitter accounts.  Bono’s post read, “I look forward to returning to charitable endeavors in the world’s worst cess pits. These efforts make a less-than-successful Broadway venture seems trival.  Trivial.  RIP, Spidey!”

In several of his posts, The Edge spilled some beans about the creative process.  “Really now…these tunes were just random riffs from the dust bin…a decade of U2 outtakes.”  Another tweet read, “Guess we got xcited b/c J.T. was so stoked, but now we know whot her taste is worth.”

When asked if Taymor would be involved in degrading the production, Kohl chuckled, “That’s up in the air, so to speak.”

 

 

Palin Struggles In Nuclear War Exercise

December 15, 2010 (MBNS) In a secret war game held to test her mettle as a potential commander-in-chief, former Alaska Governor took “at least six shots” with a virtual nuclear arsenal to destroy the Russian military.  The May Be News learned of the “six strikes and you’re out” exercise from two retired generals close to the Palin camp who participated in the war game.  Although both report they have left the Palin inner circle in disgust, they asked for anonymity so as to not jeopardize their consulting jobs with military contractors.

The exercise was held in a decommissioned Minuteman II missile silo near Ellsworth Air Force Base in South Dakota.  Although the war game, Thermonuclear Decision: Game On will soon be available commercially, and could be played on any standard video game console, the end-of-days exercise was held in the silo “to better simulate real-world crisis conditions,” according to one of the participants.  The participant, who said he thought the choice of location was “a bit extreme,” added that, “she probably would have had better results from her home—at least she could’ve seen Russia from there.”

The game, in fact, does not rely on any visual acuity but instead requires a would-be president to navigate a complex set of codes and protocols from the vast array of nuclear war options available to the commander-in chief.  Palin struggled with all aspects of the problem, the participants reported.  In the two most worrisome outcomes, Palin’s decisions invited pre-emptive first strikes well before the U.S. could launch an attack, one from Russia and the other from France.  Other “negative outcomes” involved erroneously attacking China and “really, really bouncing the rubble in Luxembourg.”  

Although destroying China was a negative outcome according to game rules, Palin tried to mark that round in the win column for “getting the country out of debt.”

Throughout the exercise, Palin was intensively coached by her father, who at times grew testy with her stumbling.  “It’s just like shooting caribou!” he exclaimed after Palin’s orders incinerated Shanghai, “you have to take the wind into account from this distance!”

Palin’s father switched from tough love to fatherly affection once the virtual Russia was smoldering and glowing.  “That’s my girl!” he gushed as they exchanged high fives and hugs. “It was a real party after she finally succeeded,” one of the participants reported, “Their only regret was they didn’t bring a camera crew from the reality show.” 

The two retired generals were less sanguine about Palin’s performance and compared her negatively to past presidents they had war gamed with in actual Pentagon exercises.  “Junior was okay,” one of them remembered, “and his dad performed just like an old fighter jock.  But Bubba, jeez, Bubba!  Who would have guessed!?  Talk about a party!  He waxed the Russians with a limited first strike, and three precision follow-ups, all with his feet on his desk, chomping a cigar and…..well, you don’t really need to know the rest.”    

Koran Burn Pastor Bans Marshmallows, S’mores  

 September 9, 2010  

Gainesville, Fl (MBNS)  

Much to the disappointment of his congregation, the Florida pastor has forbidden his flock to toast campfire treats when they burn a bonfire of Korans on September 11.  

Terry Jones, the firebrand pastor of Gainesville’s Dove World Outreach Center announced to congregation today that the Koran bonfire “would be a solemn, spiritual occasion, not a party.” His followers immediately expressed extreme displeasure when he instructed them by e-mail to “leave the marshmallows and s’mores at home.”  He went on to say that the Koran burning “is a significant moral protest against a creeping devil cult.  It is a serious event, and all attending should display the proper demeanor.”  While trying to tamp down a party atmosphere, he directed his followers to channel all their energies into “shouting and chanting loudly so the world can hear that God hates Islam.”   

Disgruntled congregants said they would still attend the burning because they believed Islam is evil and because they want to get on TV, but said that Jones had “thrown a bucket of cold water on what could have been a really, really good fire and a kick ass good time.”  

According to the congregation’s fire marshal, Amanda Bogg, “It won’t be a real bonfire without those childhood favorites, flaming marshmallows, gooey s’mores and burned tongues.”  She hinted that Jones might be pulling the plug on the toasted treats because he’s been feeling pressure from the worldwide chorus of voices denouncing the Koran burning.  “I know Pastor Terry is feeling the heat, so to speak,” she explained, “but why cave into political correctness?  There’s no better way to witness our rejection of Islam as a false faith than by dripping flaming sugar on its ashes.” 

 Bud Phillips, a staunch Jones supporter who has helped plan the incendiary rally, was not pleased about the sudden change, but noted,  “I haven’t heard anything about no beer, so that’s good.  I’ve already bought the three kegs of Coors Lite.”    

Taliban Kleptomaniac Creates Multiple Conundrums For Commanders 

September 8, 2010

Kandahar, Afghanistan (MBNS)

In an extreme case of do as I say and as I do, a kleptomaniac Taliban fighter here has demanded that both his hands be cut off to punish his compulsive stealing.  This has left the Taliban hierarchy in a quandary on several fronts.   The 23 year old fighter, nom de guerre Ista Mohamed, admitted to his comrades in arms that he had been stealing from them since he joined the Taliban at age 15.  He confessed that he had lifted such items as AK-47 rounds, food rations and audio tapes of Mullah Omar’s speeches.  He also returned 37 copies of the Koran he had swiped from his unsuspecting buddies, all of which contained his copious notes and highlighting.  Mohamed maintained that his thievery was beyond his control, but says that his “illness” did not put him above the law.    Mohamed’s sticky fingers present his Taliban unit with difficult choices.  They are hesitant to lose an excellent fighter, said Mohamed Ista (non de guerre), who explained, “It is very hard to fire rocket propelled grenades with no hands.  It’s been done, but it’s not easy.”  “Also,” he added, “Ista Mohamend’s kleptomania has made him very productive in stealing munitions from the Afghan army.”   Despite his handiness, the Taliban is wary of recognizing kleptomania as a psychological illness.  “The DSM IV is a Western tool to create pathologies out of moral failings.  It is a set of loopholes that undermine the kind of personal responsibility encouraged by Sharia,” said Ista Mohamed Ista (nom de guerre).    The Taliban also worries that sparing its fighter’s hands will be bad PR, opening it up to charges of hypocrisy by the Afghan population.   While the dilemma works its way of the Taliban chain of command, Ista Mohamed is trying to keep serene while placing IED’s and waiting in ambush for U.S. and Afghan troops.  While burying an artillery shell to serve as a roadside bomb, he morbidly joked, “The best I can do is wait, and hope that in the meantime, I don’t develop a sexual addiction, like that Tiger Woods.”   The penalty for adulterous fornication under Sharia law is death by stoning.

 Obamas To Vacation In Amish Country

July 21, 2010

Washington, D.C. (MBNS)

In what appears to be a response to the firestorm that followed Michelle Obama’s lavish Spanish sojourn, the first family has nixed its planned holiday in Martha’s Vinyard and will recreate in the more spare environs of Pennsylvania’s Amish Country. According to White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, the first family will spend 10 “simple” days among the Amish, who eschew most technology as part of their faith.  The presidential vacation has been organized by AmAdventures, a Lancaster County, PA firm that specializes in lifestyle tourism.  Lourdes Sanchez, the Communications Director for the company, described its mission as, “Trying to get overworked, over wired, and overwrought executives and their families to unwind by immersing them in a 19th century way of life.”  Sanchez said that the firm’s client list reads as “a virtual who’s who of C.E.O.’s and high ranking government officials.”  She also indicated that recent guest have included many high ranking military officers in need of R & R from war in Afghanistan.  “For our military men and women,” Sanchez explained, “a week in Amish country provides a trip back in time to a primitive culture, but without the I.E.D’s and beheadings.” No one with AmAdventures nor the White House would provide logistical details of the president’s visit, other than to say that a bullet and bomb proof horse drawn presidential carriage was being hastily manufactured. While in Amish country, the Obamas are expected to spend 12 to 14 hour days milking cows, churning butter and sewing dresses that won’t be runway ready.  According to Gibbs, the biggest anxiety surrounding the excursion is how the Obama girls, Sasha and Malia, will handle being unplugged for more than a week.  In a recent post on her Facebook page, Malia Obama wrote, “This %&$$s!  Ten days in hell with a bunch of boring religious fanatic freaks!  And no T.V.!  Mom better take me to Paris after this &%$#!” The Lancaster County Amish were tight lipped about the presidential visit.  One middle aged Amish man, who refused to give his name said, “He’s the president, so I guess we’ll just have to put up with it, but if he tries to grow a beard like mine, I’m leaving.”

New Political Party Announces Agenda 

July 4, 2010

Somewhere in Cyberspace (MBNS)

EXCLUSIVE  
The May Be News has learned of a new anti-immigration political movement burgeoning is cyberspace.  Although the newly declared LEAVE! Party has yet to establish a physical presence or even to appear on the radio shows of Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh, it appears by the volume of web traffic it’s generating that it could soon be a potent adjunct to the Tea Party.  The May Be New’s Virtual Politics desk will closely monitor developments and report as soon as an actual LEAVE! Party human is found to interview.

Below is a copy of the Leave! Party’s first broadside.

The LEAVE! Party Manifesto Pundits have been boring us with the refrain, “During bad times in America, nativist sentiment skyrockets.”  These dullards have resuscitated this old saw to “explain” the anti-illegal immigration outrage that has followed Arizona’s attempt to stick its thumb in the eye of the I.N.S.

Yes, impotent patriots are clamoring for the wholesale deportation of illegal immigrants, but no one has proposed the how-to.  It appears the bloviating send-‘em-back-where-they-came -from contingent simply awaits a technological solution, such as teleportation ala “Star Trek.” “Beam ‘em up Scotty, and plunk ‘em down in Guadalajara!” Ain’t gonna happen.  The blogging handwringers have missed a solution hiding in plain sight, one that would do double duty and solve our brutal unemployment crisis, a crisis that has been exacerbated since census canvassing completed and shoved thousands of temporary workers back onto the unemployment lines.  Let’s hire the unemployed—temporarily, or course!—this is not some federal government make-work scheme—let’s hire them and depute them to ferret out and arrest the millions of illegals skulking about in the American shadows.  Then, after the border-hoppers have been booted back, the millions of INS deputies can simply take over the jobs vacated by the teeming, illegal masses.  Two problems solves at once! I don’t know why this elegant solution has not percolated out of the immigration policy incubator that is Maricopa County, but I think it’s time to seize the day, or at least the day laborer.  I know that some might find this idea reprehensible, calling it another big government program to deputize unemployed Americans to clean up after the Border Patrol, but fear not.  The whole enterprise can be executed cost-effectively by private contractors, including some of those who are winding down security and reconstruction contracts in Iraq.This plan has a collateral benefit.  Since a tin badge does not a deputy make, these millions of human blood hounds will need weapons if they can’t, or prefer not to, provide their own.  Not only will the new gun orders provide an economic stimulus to America’s arms industry.  The government investment in citizen firepower will also be a ringing endorsement of individual 2nd Amendment rights. In order to advance this agenda, I hereby declare the birth of the LEAVE! Party (Lawbreaking Émigrés Are Vermin, Everybody!)  The LEAVE! Party will challenge ANY candidate who does not pledge post-haste to implement this plan.  Instead of whining about illegal immigration and unemployment, people need to get off their butts and do something.  If politicians don’t watch out, it may be them that leave—their cushy incumbencies. So fertilize your grass roots: www.LEAVE!Party.org.    

Republican 14th Amendment Revision Plan Gains Steam

June 15, 2010

Washington, D.C. and Elsewhere (MBNS) EXCLUSIVE The May Be News has learned that the Republican Caucus in the House of Representatives is drafting a plan to revise the 14th Amendment to the constitution if the GOP takes over congress in November.  The May Be News has interviewed informed, misinformed and uniformed sources about the plan, although no one was willing to speak on the record about the matter until the caucus decides who would take credit for it.   A May Be News reported uncovered the document below, a internal GOP talking points memo, on the floor of a Washington oyster and cigar bar.  The authenticity of the memo was verified by a Republican house staffer who said, “Ooops!  Where’d you get THAT???”    May Be News political analysts have yet to determine if the discovery of the document was inadvertent, or if it was an intentional leak aimed at rallying Tea Party members to turn out for Republicans in November.  The MBNS political desk will commence analysis once the oysters and cigars have run out.  

A Modest Proposal Regarding the 14th Amendment in 2 Parts

It’s time to finally clean up the 14th Amendment. Again. This constitutional addition was enacted mainly to tidy up after the civil war.  Its provisions include what are commonly referred to as the “Citizenship Clause” and the “Equal Protection Clause.”  For some, it has created virtual Clause-tro-phobia.  

Part 1  

The 14th Amendment is now a bone of contention in the fight over illegal immigration because it has been held to mean that any child born in the U.S., no matter the parent’s immigration status, has citizenship as a birthright.  Those incensed by illegal immigration want to eliminate citizenship for so called “anchor babies.”   Let’s do it. 

How?  Let’s let the states in which the children are anchored decide upon the citizenship of these new arrivals.  The states know what’s best for them and are best able to assess local conditions regarding immigration.  For example, if Florida or California needs more fruit pickers or gardeners, let the newborns stay.  If not, pull up the anchor and ship the kid back.  Where the kid goes, the parents will usually follow (although there’s no guarantee).   So if California naturalized a future gardener or enchilada cook, California would have to keep said worker.  Thus, we’d grant these “anchor” infants a limited citizenship that only applies to the state in which the child is born.   This plan would restrict the movement of this new class of “state-citizens,” which would prevent California’s gardener from becoming New York’s welfare case.  The states could also set up exchanges upon which they could swap “state-citizens” as needed.  For example, the Bronx could send 10,000 bus boys to Los Angeles so the Yankees could get a Dominican phenom to succeed Derek Jeter.  

Of course, there remains the question of how states would decide which anchors could be dropped in their harbors, and for whom it would be, “Anchor’s A-Weigh!”  One model could be the draft board, a selection of local “complete citizens” to vote thumbs up-thumbs down on the potential of the child.  These “birthright boards” would probably need to become standing bodies and set up shop adjacent to all maternity wards in order to make sure no child slipped past the screening process.  Of course there will outliers who might think of these “birthright boards” as akin to the “death panels” discussed during the health care debate.  They will contend that government bureaucrats will get to decide who gets the prize of “state citizenship.”  That’s why it’s important that the fix to the 14th Amendment insure that the power to grant “state citizenship” be a granted only to what the constitution refers to as “the several states,” who are better equipped to make local decisions than federal officials who try to help.  

Part II:  

Equal Protection and Gay Marriage.   While we’re fixing the 14th Amendment to address the problem of illegal immigration and anchor babies, let’s tweak it to end once and for all the rising tide of gay marriage.  Let’s make it so that a single federal judge, like Vaughn R. Walker, who struck down California’s Proposition 8, can’t destroy the American family. 

The “Equal Protection” clause reads, “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; …..blah blah blah…Due Process Clause…blah blah….nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”   All we need to do is tack on, after “equal protection of the laws” “except for homosexuals, who cannot enter into legal marriage as defined by the several states.”  

The language of this amendment is crucial, and far superior to a construct that defines marriage as a legal bondage between “one man and one woman.”  This construct still allows gays to marry.  In fact, many gays are already married.  Gay men and lesbians have for years entered into marriages of convenience, sometimes to game the system and receive spousal benefits, sometimes to even procreate and raise children.  While these kinds of marriages are not prevalent, they still subvert the American way of life, and any revision of the 14th Amendment must eliminate this possibility of gay men and lesbians exploiting our marriage laws. 

Such thoroughness in society’s respect for marriage will come with a burden, however.  But it is a burden that is well worth bearing to uphold our American values.  It will mean that before being granted a marriage license, all couples will have to prove that neither the man nor woman is homosexual.   The implementation of this screening shouldn’t be that difficult.  Each jurisdiction that grants marriage licenses would simply create a standing marriage screening board.  This board will use whatever means necessary to determine the orientation of those who wish to marry.  The biggest problem for municipalities is that gays, out of protest, will most likely decline to serve on such boards.  Which would be unfortunate, because who has better “gaydar” than gays themselves?    We must admit that the Gay Marriage Prevention Committees, GMPC’s (GimPacs) will be charged with an extremely difficult task.  They will have to use their experience and intuition when examining prospective couples.  They will need to ask, “Is this cowboy, in his hat and chaps, overcompensating?  Does that short hair mean that woman is a lesbian, or is she simply like Miranda on “Sex and the City,” a bit butch, but just as straight as Carrie, Samantha and that other, dark haired one?”  

These decisions will not be easy, but it’s far better to prevent one straight cowboy who looks a little too “Village People” from getting hitched, than to allow marriage between lesbians and gay men.  Besides, even if he can’t get married, the slightly fey cowpoke can still find a girl, have kids and raise a family, although if he is religious, he might fear going to hell for having sex out of wedlock.   But that is a private concern.  Reason, and not religion, should prevail as we “Seek to Tweak” the 14th Amendment. 

Round 2: Salahis Plead Fifth-And More 

January 29, 2010

Washington DC (MBNS) Alleged White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi yesterday reprised their non-testimony before a Senate committee investigating how they were able to enter a state dinner uninvited. 

Unlike their previous testimony before a House committee however, the Salahis did spill a few interesting beans to their Senatorial interrogators.   Testifying before the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental affairs, the Salahis once again declined to answer any direct questions about how they were able to get past multiple secret service checkpoints and schmooze with the Washington elite, even having their photo taken with President Obama.   

“On advice of counsel, I respectfully invoke my right to remain silent and decline to answer your question,” Mr. and Mrs. Salahi recited more than two dozen times in their first hour or so before the committee.  The Salahis, who face possible criminal charges as to whether they lied to public officials or trespassed on federal property, remained calm, despite withering remarks made by Senators from both sides of the aisle.  

It had been erroneously reported that the jet setting Virginia couple was auditioning for the reality show, "The Real Housewives of DC," when in fact they were seeking a joint appearance on the game show, “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?” Although the game show has reportedly passed on the Salahis, Mr. Salahi quipped after the Senate grilling that, “We’re ready to kick butt on “Suvivor.”  

Committee Chair Joseph Lieberman (IND-CT) lambasted the couple, calling them, “A prime example of what is wrong with this country.  You are vainglorious grandstanders who flock like moths to any television light in the District.  You are a scourge on the body politic, almost as bad as a public health care option.”   Minority members Lindsay Graham (SC), John McCain (AZ) and Tom Coburn (OK) livened up the proceedings by shouting “Democrats!” in unison each time one of the Salahis pled the Fifth.  

After running through questions about their alleged party crashing, committee members peppered the pair with questions about other crimes.  They also plead the Fifth when asked if they had sent the ‘anthrax letters’ to Congress in 2001, injected Roger Clemens with steroids or had stolen the hubcaps from Harry Reid’s personal auto.  Interestingly, when asked if they knew if Jimmy Hoffa was buried in the end zone of Giants’ Stadium, Mr. Salahi said with a smile, “I guess we’ll find out about that one soon,” apparently referring to the stadium’s impending demolition.  

Mrs. Salahi, resplendent in a chic, yet understated, striped suit by Stella McCartney, said little besides “yes,” “no” and, when nudged by her husband or their lawyer, “Oh, yeah, that Fifth Amendment thing.”  

At the end of the hearing, the Salahis did admit to a grab bag of violations, misdemeanors and even felonies for which the statute of limitations has expired.  These included multiple unpaid parking tickets, theft of services from multiple style consultants, and undertipping in expensive Washington restaurants.  Mr. Salahi also admitted that, “Yes, we let the dogs out.”   He said that he and his wife sincerely apologized for any past ‘errors of judgment stemming from being fallible human beings,” and they were contemplating religious enlightenment or rehab for unspecified addictions, or perhaps a combination of the two.  When Senator John Ensign followed up by asking Mrs. Salahi if she might be a sex addict, she pled the Fifth for the last time, to which Senator Ensign replied, “Well, we’ll get to the bottom of that one!”

Loch Ness Monster ‘Extreme Makeover’

Jaunary 27, 2010

Loch Ness, Scotland (MBNS)   From now on, don’t call any creature living in Loch Ness a ‘monster,’ lest you earn the wrath of animal rights activists. 

Today, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) announced that it was beginning a media blitz to rebrand the supposed ‘monster’ as the Loch Ness ‘Being.’ 

At a news conference broadcast worldwide by internet link from the shores of Loch Ness, PETA spokesperson Greta Blanche told reporters that referring to the legendary creature as a ‘monster’ perpetuated human prejudice toward all animals.  “The real monsters in this case are the humans who insist on sticking labels on animals, even ones that few people have ever seen.  This is just another example of the kind of speciesist thinking that condones the death camps that are factory farms and hunting to extinction, the kind of activities that would be labeled genocide if they were perpetrated against humans.”

Blanche stated that PETA was “agnostic” about whether a ‘being’ dwelled in the murky depths of the famous lake in the Scottish highlands, but said her organization would be “thrilled” if the creature was to make itself known.  “PETA would love to see the long anticipated appearance of ‘Nessie,’ but we fully understand why any creature, either land or water dwelling, would look after its own interests by avoiding the diabolically murderous human race.”

The move to ‘rebrand’ whatever might live in the 750 foot depths of Loch Ness is part of a larger PETA initiate to ‘destigmatize’ animals that have gotten a ‘bad rap,’ Blanche said.  Included in this initiative will be attempts to rename the gila monster the ‘gila toy lizard’ and the Tasmanian Devil the ‘Tasmanian Angel.” After these rebrandings, the next step will be to transform the Komodo dragon into the “Komodo Cuddly.”

Blanche said the idea for animal rebranding arose from her experiences growing up in Burlington, Vermont, on the shores of Lake Champlain, supposedly inhabited by another legendary creature, Champy.  “Champy sounds like a creation one would find on “Sesame Street,” said Blanche.  Up in Vermont we have a very warm and intimate relationship with nature and indigenous animals, with the exception of a few toothless gun nuts and dairy farmers living in their rusted pickups.  Once those guys die off or move to Alaska, Vermont with become a model for a community built on equality among all species.”

The internet news conference came to an abrupt and puzzling end.  The last frame of the video feed shows Blanche standing on the shore of Loch Ness, with an expanse of water glistening in the sun behind her.  Suddenly, a large shadow eclipses the picture, which goes dark for several frames and then appears as before, minus the PETA spokesperson.  Another PETA spokesperson, Bryan Glander, said from New York that PETA was investigating the strange conclusion to the video, but was not alarmed.  He speculated that Blanche may have simply had an impulse to go for a swim in the frigid waters.  “Vermonters are like that,” Glander concluded.

Vatican Comment on Haitian "Exorcsim"

January 26, 2010

Vatican City, (MBNS) The Vatican today denied that it was sending exorcists to Haiti to undo what televangelist Pat Robertson called the county’s 1791 “pact with the devil,” but confirmed it has send a “special operations team” to investigate the “spiritual welfare” of the Haitian people in the aftermath of the January 12 earthquake that devastated the country. 

Vatican spokespriest Monsignor Guido Calamari said that Roman Catholic Church was offering “no comment” on Robertson’s controversial remarks that suggested that the earthquake was a direct result of a “curse” caused by a “pact with the devil” that Haitian slaves made to free themselves of their French masters.  The 1791 Haitian slave rebellion succeeded, and led to Haitian independence.   

Calamari also denied that the Vatican team being sent to Haiti belonged to a secretive unit of priests who specialize in exorcism rites.  That Vatican has long faced beliefs that it has for centuries conducted exorcisms behind a cloak of secrecy.  Calamari stated that, “Like the United States does with the locations of nuclear weapons, the Vatican has a policy to neither confirm or deny any reports about rites to exorcise people possessed by the devil.  While it is clear from the historical record that the Holy See in centuries past aggressively prosecuted instances of supposed demonic possession, the Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, does not see any benefit to dwelling in times gone by, especially the times between 1938 and 1945.” 

Calamari’s remarks downplayed a flurry of reports by Vatican insiders and sources in the Italian military that an “exorcism flying squad” was already on the ground in Port-au-Prince preparing to drive out demons and shatter the supposed curse.  None of the sources would speak on the record about the purported Haitian operation, for fear that the catholic clerics specializing in shattering curses might also be able to impose them.  “If people think bad karma is a drag,” said one source, who tried to continue, saying only, “well, a curse,…..” before she stopped speaking and put her index finger to her lips, in a gesture universally intended to mean, “Silence!”  

In his hastily called Vatican press conference to address the “Haitian exorcism” rumors, Calamari allowed that Robertson’s comments, while misguided, were “historically accurate.”  He also attempted to throw cold water on any building ‘exorcism fever’ by saying, “If there was demonic possession, and any sanctioned attempt by church authorities to reverse actions by the devil, one should not expect anything like the 1973 movie “The Exorcist,” with heads spinning on necks, pea soup colored projectile vomit, or a demonic voice commenting on what sort of deviant sexual acts one’s mother might be performing in the underworld.  If anything was to take place, people should know that, to quote Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, the exorcism would not be televised.” 

When asked if he expected the devoutly religious Haitians who took Robertson’s words to heart would view the church as passive, Calamari abruptly ended his remarks by saying, “If there is any need for action, the Holy See will not stand idly by.  But we cannot encourage anyone to think in terms of action equaling exorcism.  The farthest the Pontiff is prepared to go is ‘spiritual regime change.’  

Scientist: Babe Ruth a Juicer

Janurary 17, 2010

New York (MBNS)  A scientific study has concluded that iconic baseball slugger Babe Ruth would have fit right in during baseball’s ‘steroid era': he was juiced to the gills. 

Dr. Damon Barnstable, a physiologist at Montreal’s McGill University and an expert in sports doping via anabolic steroids, has concluded that Ruth’s ‘eccentric’ diet was almost certain to have provided enormous performance enhancing benefits. 

In an article to be published next week in the Canadian Journal of Exercise Physiology, Barnstable concludes that Ruth regular consumption of bull testicles had a performance benefit “equal to or greater than the substances abused by the tainted sluggers of the steroids era.” 

Ruth’s voracious appetite was widely known in his day, and one staple of his meat-intensive diet was bull testicles.  This was confirmed by baseball historian Prof. Brian Blatnick of Cornell University, who also works as an historian for the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. “Ruth’s bizarre diet is well documented,” Blatnick said yesterday in a phone interview, continuing, “he ate bull testicles two to three times a week.  He ate them fried, baked and even raw, everything except boiled, which he believed cooked out the taste and nutrients.  His favorite dish was what he called a ‘bull ball sandwich’ made on half a loaf of Italian bread slathered with marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese.” 

When asked how the fact and myth surrounding Ruth’s diet could be separated, Blatnick responded, “Historians have discovered hard evidence in the business record archives of the New York Yankees.  Since bull testicles were a rare commodity in the mostly eastern American league cities of the day, the team trainer travelled with a supply of Ruth’s favorite treats on ice.  The invoices and intra-team memos make the practices very clear.”  Blatnick reported one memo he had seen from the team’s general manager to the owner, complaining about Ruth’s perk. According to Blatnick, it read, “The guy already makes more than goddamned President Hoover.  He can’t buy his own bull nuts?  I say bull[expletive deleted]!” 

In his article, Physiologist Barbstable reported that eating two pairs off bull testicles per week would exceed the muscle building effects of a standard regimen of dianabol, a powerful steroid banned in baseball and most other sports.  “Bull testicles contain enormous amounts of testosterone precursors,” Barnstable noted, concluding that, “The competitive advantage conveyed by what are essentially performance enhancing drugs helps explain Ruth’s outlier status as a home run hitting machine.” 

Many baseball fans reacted swiftly and with outrage toward Barnstable’s work.  Within three hours after news of his research, he had received 35 death threats, most from New York and its suburbs.  Montreal police had established a 24 protective detail around Barnstable’s home.  Barnstable shrugged off the threats saying, “Most of these fanatics couldn’t find Quebec using Mapquest, and when they learned most people here speak French, they’d turn tail immediately.” 

Officials for major league baseball tried to downplay the news, which came fast on the heels of retired slugger Mark McGuire’s admission that he doped during the season in which he broke Roger Maris’ single season home run record, a record eclipsed in 2001 by Barry Bonds, who left baseball under the cloud of a federal criminal investigation surrounding his alleged steroid use.  In a hastily called press conference in New York, baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, “Like Mr. McGuire told congress several years ago, I’m not here to talk about the past.  Baseball’s steroid era is over, and if egghead professors from north of the border want to waste their time inventing a ‘bull testicle era’ that is also over, that’s their prerogative.  But I say it’s only 22 days until pitchers and catchers report to spring training!”  

McGuire became a laughing stock in 2005 during a congressional hearing investigating baseball’s steroid problem, when he repeatedly refused to discuss his use by saying he did not want to talk about the past. 

Reached for comment, McGuire said he was not surprised by the news.  “I don’t want to pee on the guy’s grave,” McGuire said, but added, “I’ve seen the film.  The guy ran like a girl.  He had to have been on something to go long as much as he did.” 

When a reporter for ESPN stopped Barry Bonds on the street near his home for comment, he punched the reporter, breaking her nose.  “You want a steroid story?  There’s a steroid story,” Bonds snarled as the reporter bled on the sidewalk. 

In what will probably be a dramatic and divisive development, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America, the group of reporters that selects those enshrined in baseball’s hall of fame, convened an emergency meeting to discuss whether the news constitutes ground for voting Ruth out of the hall.   

Finally, in a peculiar, but perhaps not unexpected development, cattle ranchers across the west reported SUV’s full of muscle bound men appearing at their doors and offering large sums of money for the leftovers from the castrations that render bulls into steers.  

N.Y. State Sues Jolly Old England

January 4, 2010

Albany (MBNS) In a drastic move to balance its budget, New York State will sue Great Britain for war reparations--for the Revolutionary War.

In a joint news conference in Albany’s Lafayette Park, across the street from the Capitol, legislative leaders announced what they called “our boldest move yet” to close the yawning gap the state faces in next year’s budget. 

Dressed in tri-corner hats and carrying replicas of 18th century muskets, Senate Majority Leader Pedro Espada Jr., Senate Minority Leader Dean Skelos, Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and Minority Leader Brian Kolb fired what Espada claimed would be, “a shot heard ‘round the world, or at least to the Exchequer’s Office in London.”

The press conference began after a senate staffer dressed as a town crier galloped into the park on horseback and cried out, “Hear ye, hear ye!  Announcing a plan to cause the United Kingdom of Great Britain to properly compensate the State of New York for damages done at the direction of Parliament and King George the Third, with interest!”

Espada went on to explain that an analysis by the senate budget office determined last week that the state’s structural deficit was caused not by dwindling tax receipts and overspending, but by the residue of damage done to the state in the war for independence.

“As every student of history knows, New York was a central battleground during the Revolution.  Destruction caused by the British crown left the state with its people impoverished, its infrastructure decimated and its treasury empty.  The state has never been the same.  It’s high time that England compensate our citizens for its reign of terror.”

Skelos said that forensic historical accountants had determined that the state was left $727,896 in the hole when the war ended in 1783, adding, “That’s a lot of money in today’s dollars!  Over 90 billion!  That’s a lot of school aid for Long Island!”

Most of the news conference was taken up by a detailed explanation of the legal aspects of the suit presented by speaker Silver, during which the cameras stopped rolling and the majority of the media went for coffee.  Silver, did however, reply to a very pointed question about on what grounds the suit would be made.  “I have in my hand a very brief but powerful document written in 1776 by a young politician you might have heard of: Tommy Jefferson,” Silver began.  Then, examining the parchment he continued, “Let’s see…we’ve got calling together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable…quartering large bodies of armed troops among us….imposing taxes on us without our consent….well, that’s not so bad….but how about this: plundering our seas, ravaging our coasts, burning our towns, and destroying the lives of our people. Hey, that’s genocide, folks! $90 million is a lowball number.”

When asked in what venue the state would sue Great Britain, Espada said, “Albany County, of course.  The courthouse is just across the way there.”

None of the four appeared stymied by possible contentions that Washington would object to the suit as a state interfering with the constitutional prerogative of the federal government to conduct foreign policy.  “If it wasn’t for the Empire State,” Skelos snapped, “there wouldn’t be any federal government.”

Notably absent from the gathering were both Governor David Paterson, who would have to sign off on the suit, and Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, whose office would have to bring it to court.  Sources inside the legislature, who asked not to be identified commenting on sensitive political matters, said that the “legislature has outflanked the executive on this one.”  Both Paterson and Cuomo were away from Albany holding private fundraisers for what political observers expect will be a face off for governor.  Insiders claim the gubernatorial primary will be a “Paterson bloodbath” that will “make the battle of Saratoga look like a food fight.”

The press conference ended with the four legislative leaders firing a musket volley, “east, toward England,” said Espada.  In what was said to be a minor oversight, Skelos’ musket was loaded with lead shot, and a large musket ball took out the rear window of Albany mayor Jerry Jennings’ SUV.  Jennings, a Democrat, was not in the vehicle at the time, but was reportedly asking the Albany police to investigate the incident.

Beck Safe After Spontaneous Combustion

January 1, 2009 

Washington, DC (MBNS) 

Vitriolic conservative commentator Glenn Beck was in good condition after being rushed to a Washington, DC hospital for burns suffered from a mysterious flash fire that preliminary investigation suggests was “spontaneous combustion.”

The fire occurred in a Washington radio studio where Beck was recording a podcast to be placed on his website.  Engineer Frank O’Shea described the shocking scene as arson investigators combed for clues in his studio.  “Mr. Beck was getting kind of worked up about Obama and terrorism, or something like that, when these red flames shot up from under his collar, like putting a match to charcoal soaked in starter fluid,” O’Shea reported.  He continued, “I grabbed the fire extinguisher and quickly put out the fire.  The whole thing lasted ten seconds, tops.”  

Studio intern Miles Quist watched the scene in horror from behind a glass panel in the adjoining booth.  “The fire just leapt up and engulfed his whole head, until Frank managed to put it out.  I was amazed that Mr. Beck was able to keep talking the whole time, until his mouth got plugged with foam from the fire extinguisher.  That man has amazing concentration when he’s in the zone.”

Several hours after the incident, Georgetown University Hospital spokesperson Sandra Flick reported in a brief news conference that Beck was “alert, though a bit groggy from pain medication.”  Flick announced that Beck’s neck was “pretty much red all over from second and third degree burns,” but that his overall condition was good, and that he was expected to make a full recovery.

Washington arson investigators said that they could find no electrical flaws in the studio that might have sparked the blaze.   Senior investigator Brian McGreevy said the case was unlike any he’s ever seen.  “For centuries, there have been tales of spontaneous human combustion, but we fire experts have always considered them apocryphal.  Now I’m not so sure,” McGreevy explained.  He added, “Perhaps the urban legend of people just bursting into flame actually does have some basis in fact.” McGreevy cautioned that the investigation was still in its preliminary stages, and that the fire may have a more mundane explanation.  He said, “I notice that when Mr. Beck gets cranked up, his teeth sometimes click together.  It’s not out of the range of possibility that his teeth acted like two flints struck together, and that the spark ignited his cologne.  Just a theory.”

During a very brief bedside interview, Beck blamed President Obama for creating “the tinderbox conditions that could generate such a firestorm.”  Cognitively impaired by narcotic painkillers, that was the only coherent statement Beck could formulate, before he sputtered into single word utterances, including, “Obama”, “firebug”, “Joan of Arc”, and “Dresden”.

Beck is expected to be released from the hospital within three days, and vowed to get right back to work.  According to his producer, his first task will be to “squash any notion that this incident was in any way related to so-called ‘global warming.’

8th Grader Arrested for Doing "Terrorists' Homework"

December 30, 2009

Branson, MO (MBNS) A 13 year old boy from Branson, Missouri has been arrested by the FBI for successfully completing his science project: making an explosive device from a bag of airline peanuts. 

The eighth grader from Fredrick R. Stitler Middle School is being held in a federal detention center in St. Louis.  FBI spokeswoman Jeannette Frisque refused to identify the suspect, citing his status as a juvenile.  His classmates, however, have reported on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter that the alleged mad bomber is Thomas F. Broccoli, a recent transfer from Bartlet Schulbert Middle School, also in Branson.  

Frisque said that Homeland Security agents were directed to the scene by an anonymous telephone caller who referred to Broccili only as, “that weird new kid from that other middle school.”  Upon arriving on the scene, the FBI agents learned that a 13 year old eighth grader managed to detonate a “significan” explosion using a bag of Delta Airline peanuts and some common classroom materials.  Frisque declined to name the other materials, but internet postings by Broccoli’s classmates claim he made his bomb from the ink of a ballpoint pen, a few drops of Mountain Dew, and half a box of ‘Nerds’ candies.  Authorities declined to comment on these postings, except to say that the persons who put the alleged bomb ingredients online will be investigated by the FBI, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and school vice principal Marilyn Shakley.

News of the incident quickly reached the White House.  While there was no direct comment from President Barak Obama, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs called the action, “unfortunate, unnecessary and abominable.”  In a hastily called news conference less than a half hour after the explosion, Director of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano elaborated on the administration’s reaction, saying, “After the recent scare on Northwest Airlines Flight 253, the last thing this country needs is some junior high punk tutoring Al Queda terrorists on how to make a bomb from everyday materials.  He’s doing homework for our enemies when he should be doing homework for himself.”

Also under scrutiny in the incident is Broccoli’s science teacher, Marty Beeler, who did not report the incident to school authorities, and awarded the student a B+ for the project.  A copy of Beeler’s grade report made public by the FBI read, “Chemical analysis excellent.  Explosion a bit lackluster.  Poor spelling in lab report.  Also, still missing bibliography & footnotes!”

Beeler defended his actions before being taken into custody by ATF agents.  “This is the reward the kid gets for creativity?  It’s complete overreaction.  My desk was barely scorched.  Everyone knows boys his age love blowing things up.  Around here we’ve seen more damage done by M-80’s in toilets.”

News of the incident sent shockwaves through the airline industry.  Delta Airlines spokesman James Fehgruder told a press conference in Atlanta, “If we can’t serve peanuts and pretzels, what do we have left for snacks?  Will we have to starve our passengers from now on?”

In the hours after the explosion, internet message boards frequented by teenage boys expressed solidarity with Broccoli, and brimmed with other recipes for weaponizing snacks, such as a method for producing sarin gas from a 6 oz bag of Cheetos, and a complex scheme for transforming mozzarella sticks into military-grade plastic explosives.  These postings earned the wrath of ATF agents on the case, who will be tasked with determining if any of the snack-bomb formulas work.  “Now we’ll be weeks with no sleep,” said one exasperated ATF agent, who asked to remain anonymous while commenting on a case in process.  He added, “I can’t wait to kick in the bedroom doors of these little geniuses, and drag them off screaming to a detention they’ll never forget.”

Christmas Do-Over Set For March

December 29, 2009

New York (MBNS)  Don’t rush to take pack away those blow-up Santas and blinking icicles: we’ll be having another Christmas come March 6.

Due to disappointing holiday sales, the United States Chamber of Commerce is taking the bold step of creating Christmas: The Sequel.

Chamber President Seymour Prophit unveiled the bold plan this morning at a media event held in the Macy’s flagship store in New York.  Dressed as Santa, Prophit slid down a three story Teflon chimney and chimed, “Ho, ho, ho!  I’m baaaaaaack!”  He began his remarks, “You know that song, “We Need a Little Christmas, Right This Very Minute”? Well we do, and we will!”

Prophit noted that across the retail industry, sales were expected to lag 6% in comparison to last year, and that the easiest way to remedy the shortfall was déjà vu all over again.  “No one should begin the new year disappointed or morose, and since the business of America is business, we will take the bull by the horns and put smiles on all the faces that kept waiting for a Black Friday that never arrived.”  When alerted by a reporter that his financial metaphor was inapt because a bull signified good times, Prophit went Bad Santa, pointed at the reporter and declared, “Coal, nothing but coal, for YOU!” to the delight of the three thousand sons and daughters of Macy’s employees gathered for the announcement.

When asked to describe the reasoning behind the March 6 date, Prophit explained, “Well, we wanted to avoid January because no one wants to shop with a hangover, then there was the issue of not stepping on that Martin Luther King Day, then the end of the month was out because of the December credit card bill arrivals.  February didn’t look much better—Groundhog Day, the Super Bowl, Valentine’s Day, President’s Day--not much space there.  So we settled on March 6—a couple of weekends before March Madness, ahead of Easter, still some possibility of snow in the Northeast, so it seemed like the ideal date.  Stores will hit the replay button on the “Jingle Bells” right after Valentine’s Day, and the red hearts will be immediately replaced by Rudolf’s red nose.”

When asked if the chamber was concerned that Christmas: The Sequel would upset observant Christians, Prophit was undaunted.  “We don’t plan to take the Christ out of Christmas,” he said, explaining, “If we did, we’d just call it ‘Mas.’  Since March 6 falls between Jesus’ birthday and the unfortunate events of Good Friday, we will be positioning this as a celebration of Christ’s high school graduation.”  Prophit continued to offer some unsolicited advice to Christian denominations everywhere.  “Good Friday.  Now that’s a misbranding if there ever was one.  Guy gets nailed to a cross?  There’s no way to put a positive spin on that.”  Prophit went on to suggest, “Maybe they could go in a Halloween direction and call it ‘Frightful Friday,’ or maybe turn down the gore volume—maybe his girlfriend dumps him or he loses his keys?  It can be a bummer, but not a story arc that ends in a crypt.”  

When reminded that Easter Sunday marks Christ’s resurrection, Prophit replied, “Maybe we can work that in.  This whole thing is about the retail sector coming back to life.  But resurrection?  More bad branding.  Not going near the last three syllables of THAT word.”

Macy’s marketing director Gloria Inegselsises elaborated on the overall thrust of Christmas: The Sequel.  “The theme will be, “This one’s for YOU!” We will try to give the consumer permission to buy the stuff that THEY wanted for themselves.  They will be particularly primed for this, having only a few months earlier suffered the disappointments of opening up oven mitts, ties, fruit baskets and books, instead of the lingerie, cosmetic surgery, escort service services, and recreational pharmaceuticals they really wanted.  So Christmas: The Sequel will allow consumers to stuff their stockings with stuff for them.”

Bankers To Sue Obama For Slander

December 16, 2009

Washington (MBNS)

The National Association of American Bankers is taking President Barak Obama to court for disparaging “fat cat bankers” during an interview broadcast on last Sunday’s “60 Minutes.”

In the interview with CBS newsman Steve Kroft, Obama chided bankers who took federal bailout money and now plan to pay themselves multimillion dollar year-end bonuses.  “They just don’t get it,” Obama told Kroft, referring to how unrepentant the banking industry has been just one year since the federal government bailed out numerous financial institutions in order to prevent world economic collapse.

“It’s President Obama who just doesn’t get it,” said NAAB chairman Bernard Choo, adding, “We hope that this lawsuit will knock some sense into him, and that he will cool his rhetoric toward an industry that has been the backbone of the American economy for two centuries.  To descend into name calling is counterproductive, and kills rather than encourages dialogue.  So we have no choice but to sue the bastard, so to speak.”

The NAAB suit asks for $100 billion in damages.  Choo said that, “While the amount appears staggering, to us it represents just a token compensation.  The damage that the president has done to our profession is immense. Unquantifiable, really.”

Commenting on the flap, Bank of America CEO Richard Flombolt told a press conference in Charlotte, NC, that “President Obama’s cruel remarks are unworthy of a playground bully, much less the leader of the free world.  He’s ruined the holidays for many a George Bailey, the hometown banker who’s just trying to do the right thing.  It’s not going to be a wonderful life for us this Christmas because of Mr. Obama.”  George Bailey was the banker played by Jimmy Stewart in the classic holiday film, “It’s A Wonderful Life,” during which Bailey saves his town from the rapacious greed of the miserly Mr. Potter.

Choo of the NAAB took particular issue with the “slur” he alleged that Obama used to malign bankers.  Parsing the president’s remark, Choo explained, “First, we take great umbrage that the president called us “fat.”  Many of us in the banking profession work hard to keep fit and spend hours before or after work on the treadmill, watching MSNBC, i-Phone at the ready, multitasking our way to cardiac health.  Just because every banker is not an ectomorph like Mr. Obama does not mean that we are high BMI gluttons.  The obese banker is a vicious stereotype, and if he wants to go in that direction, what does he have to say about Santa?”

Choo was even more indignant about being called a ‘cat.’  In high dudgeon, he said, “The feline appellation  really sticks in my craw like a huge hairball.  For President Obama to link us to a narcoleptic, indifferent house pet who claws up the furniture and leaves decapitated mice lying around, well, that’s just wrong.  We’ll see him in court.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed the NAAB suit as “frivolous” and “counterproductive.”  He said that Obama not only stands by his remarks, but that White House speechwriters are thinking up some even more irksome names to slap on recalcitrant bankers.  “If they don’t like “fat cat,” Gibbs said, “then they’re sure to choke on “parasite nincompoops,” “Lexus leeches,” or “grandiose bloodsuckers.”  He added that “narcissistic hogs” had been rejected as possibly offensive to pork growers.

The NAAB has not announced where it will file suit, although observers expect that organization will venue shop for a favorable jurisdiction.  Although London is a frequent destination for “slander tourism” because of laws that favor plaintiffs, it is also possible that the NAAB might file suit in either the Cayman Islands or Switzerland.  When asked how his organization could justify suing a U.S. president in an offshore court, Choo, “Mr. Obama’s remarks sullied not only American bankers, but bankers across the globe.  A worldwide class action suit would be a call to arms.” “Bankers of the world, unite!” he concluded.

G.O.P. To Field Virtual Candidate in '10

December 14, 2009

Houston, TX, (MBNS Delmar Bureau)

Next year, automated politics will move way beyond robo-calls when the Republican Party nominates its first virtual candidate.

The as yet unnamed candidate will run in Texas’ 13th congressional district, which has become a safe seat for the G.O.P.  Taking to the stump will be a political ‘avatar’ created by Linden Lab, the company that designed the popular on-line game, Second Life.  Generated by a powerful new computer program called Spin, the G.O.P.’s candidate will be able to do everything that real candidates do, except eat ethnic food and kiss babies.  

The virtual candidate will look and sound life like when appearing on video via television or computer.  “That was the hardest part—creating an avatar template that seemed real,” said Linden’s project head Barnaby Schloos.”  Schloos explained that when his team generated the first avatar prototypes, “they seemed too human, with all the flaws, ticks, and quirks that most of us have.”  He continued, saying, “our focus groups found that avatar candidates who seemed totally human were unconvincing as politicians.  As a result, we had to adjust the programming to make the avatars seem more robotic.  Eventually, we passed our own version of the Turing test: real votes were unable to tell the difference between the virtual candidates we designed and actual politicians.”  

The Turing test is a benchmark for artificial intelligence proposed by computing pioneer Alan Turing.  Turing said that computers could be deemed intelligent if, during an interaction with a computer, a person could not tell if he was communicating with a human or a machine.

Despite Spin’s success, Schloos was quick to point out that it should not be considered a breakthrough in artificial intelligence.  “There’s a wide gap between creating an avatar that can simulate a politician and creating genuine artificial intelligence,” Schloos cautioned.  “So, those Swedes can hold on the Nobel for now,” he concluded.

Beufort C. Brockmiller, head of the Texas State Republican Party, expressed unbridled enthusiasm for the latest development in techno-politics.  “Avatar candidates have many advantages over flesh and blood humans.  They stay on message, never misspeak, and never defect from the positions established in the national platform.  It’s win-win.”

Brockmiller dismissed as “carping and arrogant” any suggestions that virtual candidates might not pass constitutional muster.  “This candidate, I can assure you, was “born” in the U.S.A., on U.S. made hardware using U.S. created software.  As for the age requirement, we maintain that our candidate’s birth date is the same as the birth of the technology that created him.  In other words, our avatar is as old as computing itself.”  

News of the decision to field a virtual candidate sent ripples of fear through the nascent Palin for President movement.  Persons inside the Palin camp, who spoke anonymously due to concern about upsetting their boss, said that the ability of the party to create virtual candidates threatened to make obsolete some of the most attractive features of the former Alaska governor.  “Governor Palin seems to have been custom designed for the contemporary media environment,” one source said, “but can she hold her own with a string of one’s and zero’s that also has perfect hair, perfect teeth, a homespun demeanor, and who also knows where Belgium is?  We’ll have to see.”

Since the avatar nomination was made three weeks ago by the Texas party, an internal battle has raged over whether to give the avatar candidate a generic or ‘analog’ name.  Generic names suggested have included, “Joe Sixpack,”  “Joe the Candidate,” and “John Q. Republican.”   Analog names proposed have been Jim Johnson, Tim Smith and Frank Jones.  Some insiders favor a combination of the generic and analog, a favorite being “Richard Reagan.”

National Republican Committee Chair Michael Steele said that one of the biggest attractions of virtual candidates would be that there would be no more need to ‘purity test’ human politicians seeking office. “The party platform would be programmed in,” Steele glowed, adding, “we wouldn’t have to deal with outliers on abortions, guns, taxes or, heaven help us, gay marriage.”  Looking ahead, Steele said he could envision a day soon when all Republican candidates for national office would be avatars.  He said he was particularly attracted to the features promised in Spin 2.0, which would allow the party to choose the race and gender of the virtual candidates.  Steele, who is African-American, optimistically exclaimed that he looks forward to the day when, “there are others in the Republican party who look like me, even if they are just computer code and pixels.”

Google to Albany: Drop Dead!

December 13, 2009

Albany (MBNS)

Google announced today that it would remove a number of locales from its Google Earth function.  These locales will still be ‘on the map,’ but as far as Google Earth is concerned, they no longer exist.  The first to go: Albany, NY. 

Google spokesperson Belinda Wong-Jefferies explained that the move was not based on any regional prejudice, but on basic economics.  “Believe it or not, Google does have limits regarding computing infrastructure.  We cannot afford to dedicate segments of our servers to locales that simply do not generate traffic.  It is not economically sound for us to provide street views of streets that no one drives, listings of restaurants that no one eats in, or attractions that no one visits.”

Albany, NY topped a long list of American municipalities that will become black holes on Google Earth.  When reached for comment, Albany mayor Jerry Jennings seemed unperturbed.

“Albany is an All-America City.  I don’t intend to get my feathers ruffled by anybody with a silly web site has a grudge against our city.  I never even heard of Google Earth.”

In more bad news for New York’s capital district, Albany will be followed into Google oblivion by Schenectady, Troy, Rennselaer, Waterveliet and Cohoes.  In fact, according to Google Earth, the capital district is comprised solely of Saratoga Springs, a rest stop between exits 24 and 25 of the New York State Thruway, and the village of Menands, which was deemed too “insignifcant’ to be worth the effort of Google technicians to delete it.

Albany and its environs will remain on Google Maps, Wong-Jefferies said, “Because people still want to drive through those places, and we will soon offer a service to provide the public with the most expedient routes for not only avoiding traffic, but also any possible contact with the inhabitants of deleted locales.”

Albany is not alone in being cast off by Google.  Other jettisoned locales include Walla Walla, Washington, Topeka, Kansas, Beaumont, Texas and Itchy Tail, Alabama.  Deleted states include Wyoming, Rhode Island and most of New Jersey.  Perhaps the biggest geographical slight in North America was to Canada.  North of the border, Google deep-sixed everything between Vancouver and Toronto.  Upon hearing news of this action, the province of Quebec convened an emergency session of its legislature to draft a bill to secede from Google Earth.

Spitzer Offers to Counsel Woods

December 12, 2009

New York (MBNS)

Disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has ‘reached out’ to help disgraced golfer Tiger Woods get through his, that is, Woods, disgrace.

When reached for comment about the Woods debacle, Spitzer said, “I’ve offered my support and counsel to Tiger as he tries to endure the living hell that his life must be at present.  As one who has lived through such a debacle, and come out the other side, I think it is my duty to offer my services to other high-profile men who’ve strayed.”

Woods’ sterling celebrity crashed 10 days ago along with his black Escalade, which he ran into a fire hydrant tree just outside his swanky Florida home.  The minor SUV wreck set off a chain reaction collision in Woods personal life, as a string of mistresses, one night stands, friends with benefits, and other fallen women lined up to tell their sordid tales of rough sex and fly-by-night dalliances with the married mega-star golfer.  

Spitzer’s fall was no less surprising and sudden.  After he was revealed as “client number nine” in a prostitution sting, Spitzer, also married, was harried from office after it was revealed that he paid thousands of dollars for encounters with hookers he hired for out of town trysts.  

It is not known if Woods ever hired prostitutes or had to ‘officially’ pay for sex, like Spitzer

“I know what it’s like to appear in public with egg on my face, and at some point Tiger is going to have appear before his fans, the media and the world and try to wipe some of that egg off.  It’s not easy, even if one is wealthy, I can assure you.  But I would say to Tiger that wealth just makes it harder to face the humiliation, and that all the riches in the world cannot buy back your good name, unless you are a corporation with a very savvy P.R. department.  I know that Tiger is a commercial quality, but I can tell him that in the face of this crisis, he can’t think of himself as a brand, but as a person who has sinned.  It’s not Nike or Gatorade that needs healing here, it’s a man’s soul.”

Asked how his soul is holding up nearly two years after his promising political career crashed and burned, Spitzer said he has moved past his travails.  “I’ve stopped thinking of myself as client number nine and have rededicated myself to being husband and father number 1.”  Asked if his family had forgiven him, Spitzer quipped, “Well, I’m not out of the doghouse, but they let me into the kitchen a lot more than they used to.”

Spitzer said that he has texted Woods multiple times with a simple message, which he displayed on his phone.  “im there 4 u-eliot” the message read.  “I’m not yet sure he’s gotten the message yet,” Spitzer explained, adding, “in his kind of situation, you’ve got so many phones for so many different people, it’s hard to check them all.  Whether the message reaches him through the media or by carrier pigeon, I want him to know I’ve got his back.”

When reached for comment on the Spitzer’s offer to help in the Woods imbroglio, his most infamous female companion, former (she claims) call girl Ashley Dupree said, “I find it extremely distasteful that the former governor is posing as someone who can intervene in the Woods imbroglio.  Why is it that the guy can always rebound, but the girl is still thought of as a hooker, as opposed to the aspiring model/actress/singer she is?  It’s not fair, and it says a lot about who has the power in the world of sexual transactions.  Women are always on the bottom, figuratively speaking.  At least Mr. Spitzer wasn’t a freak like Woods.  I mean, did you read the stuff in the Post?”

During a follow-up interview, Spitzer said he would not discuss Dupree or any of her remarks.  He did confirm that he has followed the Woods scandal in the tabloid press, and called the coverage “sordid, squalid, sleazy, degenerate, base, despicable and seedy, not to mention abominable, contemptible and loathsome.”  In comparison to the bad press he received, Spitzer said, “at least he’s been spared the foul, corrupt abject and ignoble.  So far at least.  We’ll see.”

Adam Lambert 'Comes Out' As Straight

December 11, 2009

Hollywood, CA (MBNS)

Adam Lambert’s S & M romp at the American Music Awards now seems like a minor tremor compared to this shocker:  the American Idol runner-up has revealed that he is not gay, not even bisexual, but straight.

At a Hollywood press conference this evening, Lambert said he had a message for his fans, and he hoped that they would understand and stick by him.  “I can no longer deny who I am,” Lambert said as he strained to control his emotions.   Through tears Lambert said, “I knew that posing as gay would distinguish me on ‘American Idol,’ and although I have the greatest confidence in my talent, I knew I needed something that would make me stand out. It was a poor decision, and I have come to regret it.”

Lambert continued to say that he felt particularly bad for the many openly gay singers and musicians who have struggled for success in a business built on heterosexual swagger.  “I know that I should crawl on broken glass and beg forgiveness from Mellissa Etheridge and Rufus Wainwright,” Lambert remarked, adding, “and now that I say that, it kind of sounds kinda fun, doesn’t it?”

Last month, Lambert lit up the American Music Awards with his performance of “For Your Entertainment,” a track from his debut album of the same name.  His risqué performance became a celebration of sadomasochistic sex, and created a firestorm of protest.  Lambert initially defended his performance by saying, “That’s who I am,” but as it turns out, it isn’t.  “I’m really quite vanilla,” Lambert abashedly told the assembled show business press, “I’ve tried a bunch of fetishes and kinks, but basically I just like plain old missionary position encounters with blonde girls.  I guess that’s the curse of being born in Indianapolis.”

Blessed with a pure, full throated rock voice, Lambert displayed versatility in a wide range of musical styles as he proceeded to the American Idol finals.  Judging by the sizzling performance at the American Music Awards and sound of his debut album, Lambert seems poised to issue in a new era of glam rock.  His career trajectory could now be sent into a tailspin by his latest revelations.  Internet chatter seemed to be running 3-1 against his ‘new’ orientation, and not just among gays.  Straights too, have been put off.  Typical of negative hetero comments was Bowie1972, who wrote on glam’nglitter.com, “AL, how could you?  I spend all this time fantasizing about you with leather boys, and now this?  You deserve a good whipping, and I ain’t playin’.”  Another commentator, RegDwight#1 wrote, “I knew when I saw u kiss that guy in the video you had no game, you lame *$&@! piece of &%#@%*!  Go back in2 the closet and don’t come out.”

When reached for comment on the post-Idol development, judge Simon Cowell said, “That really sucks.”  When asked whether sexual orientation would influence how he judged Idol contestants, Cowell shot back, “Pop music is all about sex!  Of course it matters, you retard!  But it doesn’t matter in any kind or prejudicial, discriminatory or otherwise negative way, right?”

Simon’s fellow judge Paula Abdul, when told of Lambert’s announcement, said, “See!  I knew he was looking at me that way!  I just knew it!  Can you get me another vodka tonic?”

Bartholomew Pew, who runs Operation Straighten UP!, an organization which claims to be able to ‘cure’ homosexuality, rejoiced at Lambert’s news, saying, “Prayer works!  We welcome Mr. Lambert to the wide, wonderful world of heterosexuality, where he belongs.  We will be talking to him shortly about fronting a Christian Rock band, sort of a cross between the Rolling Stone of ’69-70 and the Osmonds. 

When reached for comment about Pew’s proposal, Lambert said, “No plans at the present for that kind of thing.  But the Osmonds were underrated.  And Mick Jagger should’ve died after ‘Exile on Main Street,’ certainly before, “Goats Head Soup.’ ”

Bruno Legacy Fading Fast?

December 10

Troy (MBNS)  In the wake of former state senate majority leader Joe Bruno’s conviction on federal corruption charges, New York’s Capital Region has already begun to reassess the legacy of Bruno’s largesse.  In the most public and controversial move so far, Hudson Valley Community College announced today that the Joseph L. Bruno Stadium will be renamed the “Say It Ain’t So, Joe Bruno Stadium.”

In a press release distributed this morning, college president Brandon Fitzweiler stated, “Senator Bruno was a good friend to the college and the surrounding area, but we have to acknowledge the fact that he is, for now at least, a convicted felon.  As we move forward with branding our institution, we believe it is in our best interests to highlight Presidents Obama’s recent endorsement of our institution, rather than to emphasize a potential negative.”

In a phone interview today, college spokesperson Sandra Cartwheeler said that at present there were no plans to permanently strike Bruno’s name from the 4,500 seat baseball stadium.  Instead, a temporary banner will cover the current façade this season.  “The college is well aware that the recent trial verdict may only be the first step in a long legal process for the former senator.  Hence, it was decided not to yank Joe’s name off the current façade until he has exhausted his appeals.”

Cartwheeler further noted that the federal “honest services” law under which Bruno was convicted has been challenged by others as unconstitutional, and will be reviewed by the U.S. Supreme Court.  “I’m not a betting person,” said Cartwheeler,” but I’d lay 2 ½ to 3 that Joe beats this thing.” 

“Say it ain’t so, Joe,” is a perhaps apocryphal plea attributed to a young fan of Shoeless Joe Jackson, the Chicago White Sox star who was banned from Major League Baseball for allegedly conspiring to fix the 1919 World Series.  As Jackson left a grand jury session connected with the scandal, the young fan reportedly tugged on Jackson’s sleeve and asked the famous question.  Jackson was quoted as saying, “Yes, kid, I’m afraid it is.”  

In an interesting connection with the Bruno case, the 1919 series fixers were alleged to have tried to hide a bribe to Jackson by paying him $3,000 for a blind, three-legged mule the prosecutor said was worth, “about six bits at the glue factory.”

The “Say It Ain’t So, Joe” stadium is home to the college’s baseball team, as well as the Hudson Valley Valleycats, a Class A affiliate of the Houston Astros.  Calls to the team were not returned, but an e-mail message from general manager Fred Feline read, “We didn’t see nothin’.  We just play baseball, you know what I mean?”

Tiger Woods' Wife Arrested In Attempted Hit On Cheating Spouse

December 9, 2009

Lakeland, FL (MBNS)

In yet another bizarre twist in a tabloid extravaganza, Elin Nordegren, the wife of golf superstar Tiger Woods, was arrested by Florida police and charged with hiring the Swedish mafia to kill her philandering husband.   

At a hastily called press conference held late last night, Lakeland police chief Fredrick R. Bonhoven said his department had been alerted to the conspiracy by Interpol, after Swedish police intercepted text messages Nordegren sent to reputed hit men associated with organized crime in Stockholm.   The messages were very detailed, Bonhoven said, and specified not only the way Woods was to be killed, but also a prolonged period of torture to precede the murder.  At the press conference, Bonhoven displayed slides of Nordegren’s alleged texts.  The first instruction read, “1st: puttr- brak all fngrs, Nxt 9irn 2 (testicles).”  The gruesome sequence ended with and instruction to, “Wack-lol-upside hd w/5irn til vry vry ded.”  

In a midnight perp walk into the Lakeland police station, Nordegen smiled broadly to the assembled paparazzi, in a manner similar to the sizzle she brought to the runway when she working as a supermodel.  Many women in the large crowd gathered before the station boisterously expressed their support for Nordegren, screaming phrases such as, “You go, girl!” and “Work it, baby, work it!”  

The men gathered were more subdued in their reaction to Nordegren’s display of bravado.  “She’s either nuts, or really, really wanted the guy dead,” said Brad Fallow of Tampa.  He said that her anger was understandable, but her brazen behavior was “despicable.”  “After all,” said Fallow, “the guy’s won what, 14 majors?  Show a little respect, for crying out loud.”  

In what may have been the most grotesque aspect of the contracted hit, the assassins were instructed to bury Woods’ corpse in a sand trap on the 13th hole at the famed Pebble Beach golf course in California.  

A spokesman for Woods said only that he was “stunned,” and would have no immediate comment, and that he was “reaching out to his circle of close friends for comfort and support.”

N.F.L To Drop Yard For Meter

December 7, 2009

New York (MBSN)

Come 2013, there will be no more “three yards and a cloud of dust” in the National Football League. 

At a press conference held today at N.F.L headquarters in New York, league commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that as of the 2013 season, the league will abandon the yard for the meter. 

“It’s time for the N.F.L. to get in step with the rest of the world,” Goodell declared, explaining, “the metric system is the standard for the military, science and technology.  We believe that American fans will adjust quickly, and that the change will make our product even more attractive to fans across the globe, who have struggled to understand the game because they are put off by the imperial measurements, just as they are put off by any American political actions that seem imperial.” 

Although there are no immediate plans for N.F.L. expansion overseas, Goodell claimed the move would boost interest abroad, especially in Europe and Asia.  He cited the success of this year’s regular season game between the New England Patriots and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at London’s Wembley Stadium as an indication of overseas market potential. 

Goodell admitted that there may be some resistance from fans, coaches and players, but he said, “They’ll adjust.  In the ‘50’s and ‘60’s, people would have thought that a quarterback sliding to avoid a hit was girly, but now people understand the value of keeping stars like Peyton Manning and Tom Brady on the field.” 

The blowback started soon after Goodell began taking questions from the media.  When a reporter pointed out that a first down would now be nearly 11 yards, Goodell responded, “Today’s players are bigger, faster and stronger.  It’s actually time the game adjusted to the fact that our athletes cover territory more quickly than they did in the ‘50’s and ‘60’s.” “In a sense,” he said, “this change was long overdue.”

When asked about how the change would affect record keeping, Goodell said that the records would remain consistent, and that there would be no attempt to adjust distances or “asterisk-icize” the record books.  Thus, Tom Depsey’ 63 yard field goal, a record for length that has stood since 1970, will not be converted to 57.6 meters.  Asked how broadcasters and others will refer to previous records, Goodell suggested that Dempsey’s milestone, or, kilometer-stone, be referred to as,  “a 63 ‘er.” 

Goodell waved off any concerns that many stadiums are not long enough to accommodate a 100 meter field, which equals 109 yards.  He said he envisions that some teams would remove end zone seats, while most would simply build new stadiums.  “That’s what jackhammers and federal stimulus money are for,” he quipped.

In a final move to placate purists, Goodell asserted that the league’s unit of measure would be spelled ‘meter,’ as opposed to its anglicized cousin, ‘metre.’  “We want the league to be modern, but not effete,” he concluded.